Mise en Place

2009-08-27T00:22:00.003-04:00

I'm listening to the acoustics of the crickets and the cicadas...definitely the sounds that help deliver the feelings of a humid summer. Except it's not really that humid. But it sounds humid.

And inside, the hum of my computer and the dim lamp in the corner are feeding my growing belly of thoughts.

And then there is that wierd noise the fridge is making from time to time. It's kind of startling, with the rest of the house asleep.

It's past midnight and I'm just home from work about an hour ago. I don't want to go to bed because Kep is in there with Ben and I just want him to sleep. He'll surely wake up if I turn in next to him. So, my sleep is sacrificed. No big deal. Par for the course these days :)

Plus, I really enjoy these nights after work. It is quiet. I am mostly alone. I can sit and catch up on my blogs, uninterrupted. I can read, mindlessly. I can get inspired, motivated, reassured. I can start my own blog entries and not post them :)

And then, when I am good and ready to turn in, I can choose an empty bed...in a room not my own...and pray a prayer that I get a stretch of sleep that lasts more than 3 hours.

Cause that, too, is a new mothers dream :)

I'm this way...

2009-08-04T14:06:00.005-04:00

I am tired...and wondering where I'm supposed to "clock out" when I want to take my lunch break...

2009-07-23T23:11:00.002-04:00

So many times I've come here to write and so many times I've left without writing. I am here again. I shall write.

I'm in a bit of a fog. A stop and go, if you will. I've heard the reference a couple of times recently of "being stuck in your own head". I do believe I am. It's not all bad. I'm stuck in here, mostly, but I'm learning to navigate...learning to open the window once in a while and peer out at the world. Learning that there is indeed a world to peer out and look at. And it's not all bad either.

Keplar is doing well. So strong...and brave...and still so stinkin' cute. He saves my life nearly every day with his multitude of smiles. I can't get enough. Really. I can't. He gives me a thousand things to be thankful for, a million times over. Really. He does.

He goes SMACK, SMACK with those palms on the wood floor as he moves about on all fours. Then he lets out an excited shriek from deep within his chambers and pushes himself back and sits. He looks around and finds me and then he's off again with the SMACK, SMACK.

His hair is just perfect and his skin is the softest gift and his eyes pull me toward him. I can't help but grab him and squeeze him and love him over and over again, all day long.

Yes, my days are still filled with only Keplar. He is still my dictator. I am still in awe of his very existence. :)

2009-06-25T00:25:00.001-04:00

I'm gonna take a break here for a while. Not sure how long I'll be gone...but I WILL be back :)

Go To Sleep, Sweet Baby

2009-06-18T08:49:00.000-04:00

I came across a poem in blogland and I loved this tiny piece of it:

the burden of drawing you near
to lull you to sleep
is truly, more honestly
the gift you bestow me
my audacity to think otherwise
leaves me reticent

How beautiful. It does feel burdensome at times...the lulling to sleep...whether it be day or night. But what a beautiful task it is. And how blessed I am to have been given the gift of such a sweet boy to do it for.

2009-06-18T00:23:00.003-04:00

No, I didn't have another child.

But Kep and I did babysit the other day.

Funny, they both like to be held...at the same time.

We survived.

But I have a new respect for all you moms out there with more than one child :)

2009-06-09T08:12:00.001-04:00

there is only ONE way to carry the laundry AND the babe up the stairs.

Impossible!

2009-06-04T10:06:00.002-04:00

I used to have a number of different titles...Student, Server, Potential Dietitian, Researcher, Wife, Writer, Volunteer, Reader, Runner, Pack Leader, Lover, Toilet Scrubber, Errand Runner, Dreamer, Su Doku Solver, Landscaper, Dancer, Wellness Seeker, Fridge Filler, Dinner Party Hostess, Coffee Shop Frequenter, Friendly Neighbor, Best Damned Housekeeper Ever, Wine Drinker, and sometimes I even called myself a Friend. But now I'm Mom, and all those other titles are either MIA or barely hangin' on. But they all linger in my memory and lately it's as if they've formed an alliance in the shape of an anvil and they are bearing down on my very being. I'm trapped underneath, writhing, and I want to shout, "I'm a Mom now, so BACK OFF...can't you see I have more important fish to fry!!" Incidentally, I don't think fish should ever be fried.

So yeah, pressure. You wouldn't believe the pressure. I feel like I'm so behind and I'll never get to all those other things that used to grossly devour my attention. I want them back. I want to make some room, but I'm having trouble finding it.

The bright side? Is there one? Yes, absolutely. The bright side of this is that while I'm writhing underneath that anvil of lost priorities, I'm simultaneously protecting our precious babe. He's such a wonder. And so incredibly sweet. And now, my first priority. You might even say, the way things have been going, my only priority.

I just need to figure out how to break up that anvil into manageable pieces so that I can slowly begin to reclaim those parts of me that help to make me ME.

I'm looking into going back to school this fall. The classes are full, but I might be able to wiggle my way in. But it's not that easy. See, I want to be a student...but not while I'm a mom. And I want to be a mom, but not while being a student. Trouble is, now that I'm a mom EVERYTHING I do will be simultaneous to Mothering. I just can't see it. I don't know HOW.

Kinda makes me want to scream. Or run far away.

Or eat ice cream while watching Arrested Development till I figure it all out :)

The Good Stuff

2009-06-02T13:15:00.005-04:00

We've fed Kep some "real food" (cause breastmilk is obviously not real or food) a couple of times. He's had brown rice, banana, and avocado.

It's really messy.

So messy, in fact, that we probably won't do it anymore.

I'll probably just feed him from the boob until he can quietly manuever a spoon without falter :)

2009-05-28T16:47:00.002-04:00

I can't fold a fitted sheet to save my life.

The end.

The Run

2009-05-23T17:44:00.003-04:00

I was feeling not so normal today. Some dizziness, a little lightheadedness, and waves of heat sporadically visited my chambers. Well, for the most part I felt fine but then sometimes I'd feel the aforementioned.

So, I told Ben. He suggested I call into work and just rest. I chuckled and shrugged off the thought. But then he suggested it again a bit later...said we should just relax and claim the long weekend for ourselves.

So, I called in. and suddenly felt better :) We had a beer and, after putting Ben down for a nap, Kep and I had our way with the jogging stroller, a pair of running shoes, and the solid pavement outside. We ran and ran and ran! Boy, did we ever run! We passed driveway after driveway, as if the pavement was giving way and crumbling just behind us. We were speedy, we made haste...we were lassoing the wind as it came at us and yanking it to it's knees, stomping it into the ground. My heavy breath was like the strollers motor, getting faster with each step.

Kep couldn't have been happier.

We smelled lilacs and cherry blossoms in bloom. Our noses were delighted with the fragrance of fresh cut grass, hot wet pavement, and a sprinklers' chlorine mist.

My chest was tight and my legs exhausted, but I pushed on. On and on until I knew we'd gone at least one miles...maybe a little more.

We arrived home and Ben was still asleep (he's such a good napper!) and so I lulled Kep to sleep and I'm gonna have myself a shower. A shower, people! That's two showers in two days! Amazing, really.

We'll have to figure something out for dinner, now that I'm home this eve. One things for sure, we can't eat out at my place of employment :)

Six months of CRAZY bliss

2009-05-22T11:43:00.002-04:00

Six months yesterday. Six months of smiling at him. Six months of finally using those parts of my brain reserved for motherhood (motherhood parts of the brain are found smashed betwix the parts for bird-calling and syncronized swimming). Six months of loving on a brand new, custom made human being.

As always, I'm at a loss for words.

Our lives are so different now. And I want desperately for all of this to be easy for us, but it's not. It's so complicated and difficult. And rewarding.

So, what can he do at six months?? Does he have teeth? No. Is he crawling yet? No. Is he at least getting up on all fours? No. Have you started feeding him solids? No. Is he sleeping through the night? No. Has he stopped throwing up all the time? No.

But he's SO beautiful :)

And perfect :)

And right where he should be with all of his gross and motor development. And he smiles A TON. He is so happy!

He's putting EVERYTHING in his mouth...even my face, if I let him :) He's scooting backwards during "tummy time". He's using his voice all day long...especially the shrieks and screams. He loves the bath. And the dogs...he LOVES the dogs! I'm a little worried for Indy and Chuck once Kep can get around on his own, though they love getting close to him too!

Kep's eyes are still blue/grey. His legs are ham hocks. His hair is long enough to style :) Sometimes he sports a faux-hawk, if the mood strikes :) He is very strong, for such a little babe.

He's very needy. Not sure if it's exacerbated with the coming of teeth, but his neediness lately is much greater. He's been nursing every couple hours during the night. That could very well be due to a growth spurt too. Whatever it is, it's difficult.

Motherhood, thus far, is the most difficult, most rewarding thing I've ever done.

Tulip Time

2009-05-16T10:14:00.002-04:00

Kep loves our dogs...so when the Tulip Time festival came around, we thought we'd take him to see the animals. He loved it!! The best part though...his sunglasses :) He's just so stinkin' cute in 'em!!

My Day

2009-05-10T21:13:00.002-04:00

Five and a half months into it.

I swear he's puked more than one thousand times thus far.

He's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Ever.

He makes me crazy. Like, really crazy.

And he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Mostly.

What's the big idea with Mother's day anyways?

Why did I want to spend it by myself?

Instead, I spent it being a Mother...to the most curious, beautiful, heavy, shrieking, smiley, soft, cuddly, precious little baby boy.

He melts my heart. He's buried my soul deep within him.

My energy flows into him, easily.

I'm captured.

Everyone should know these things...

2009-05-06T20:38:00.002-04:00

I love our delicious little boy more than I ever thought the world would allow.

I can't get enough of Smarties lately. I eat way too many everyday. I pride myself on being able to taste the different flavors. I love the greens.

I logged into WMU's website two days ago just to check when fall registration opens. I like being ahead of the game, you know? So I was just checking so that I'd be ready. Registration opened back in March. Both classes are full. And not just full, people...they have already taken extra students. I think subconsciously I like making more work for myself. It's gonna be a bear trying to get in now.

I would please like two hours in a coffee shop.

I need a shower...bad. Or badly. One of the two, anyways. Or both.

I think it's okay to wear make-up. I also think it's okay not to wear make-up. But it's a damn shame that so many women won't leave the house without make-up on. Or, they leave the house without make-up on and then feel unpretty because of it.

Keplar looks like he can kick some ass when he wears his camo pants. And that is the reason I put him in them.

I currently have a toe infection and/or fungus and it totally grosses me out. Doc says they might take the nail off after summer. Gross.

I am not okay with the way my tummy looks/feels since the baby. I want my old tummy back. I will probably still wear a two piece bathing suit and there will be whispers about the fact that I shouldn't. Cause we are only supposed to show our tummies if they are tight and without excess fat/skin. Society sucks.

I went for my first run yesterday since having Keplar!!! It was pathetic...but I did it :)

I'm still not over the fact that I had a cesarean. I'm also seriously considering a homebirth next time. Seriously.

I love sunsets and I plan on seeing lots of 'em this summer :) And I'm also gonna go to the lake a ton. Not sure yet what "a ton" looks like, but it's gonna be a lot!

I miss writing/blogging/journaling/reading dearly. I wish I had more time for those things that fill me up.

Keplar fills me up though :) He is seriously the cutest thing ever!

I could go on and on...but I won't. Thanks for staying and reading :)

I'm busy lurking other places...

2009-05-05T16:28:00.003-04:00

Sure liked this. Yep, sure did.

Oh...and stay a minute to hear the song. It too is something I like.

2009-04-17T16:50:00.003-04:00

There are clothes to be folded. A desk full of clutter to be organized. A pan to scrub. Laundry to fold...and a load to wash. Floors to clean. A bathroom to sanitize. A bed that needs making. Sheets that need changing. Dogs that need to be brushed...and bathed. Windows to wash. A counter top to wipe. Food to be put away. Drawers to slide shut. Bags to put in their place. Chairs to scoot back under the table. A sweater to fold. Applications to fill out. Information that needs to be gathered. Mail to bring in. Carpet and rugs to vacuum. Toys to pick up. Bills to file.

Etc., etc., etc....

I'm not doing any of them...and I'm still doing a pretty damn good job!!

2009-04-03T23:50:00.002-04:00

I've been in a quiet place, of sorts. It's not a bad place, just a reflective place. It's that place that you settle into after a month of travelling. It's that place that you find yourself in when someone close to you dies. It's that place that is sadly comfortable but muddy and unpleasant. I'm not really sure how to get my life going again...not sure which direction I was going in the first place.

I've had a lot on my mind. Kind of questioning my faith a bit (funny how death will do that). Reprimanding myself for all that I'm not keeping up with. I've missed a doctors appointment, left the vet without paying, and late on sending out a gift for a loved one. I'm getting baby advice from all angles while trying to keep true to what I feel in my heart.

I've been thinking a lot about something my father said during one of our conversations. I said, "I don't know how Mom did it...having a baby with three other little ones running around". And he replied with, "You know, she was just really good at being a mom".

I want to be really good at being a mom. I keep thinking about this and what it means to be "really good at being a mom".

So here I am, in this place that is slow and dim and kind of keeping me from the realities of the everyday. My mind just isn't completely in it yet. Something is holding me back. It's all the thinking and dreaming and quiet reflecting.

I'm sure I'll start swimming again soon, but for now I'm just kinda treading some still, murky water.

One Week

2009-03-26T22:25:00.002-04:00

Things that were said over the past week:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"They said she had an hour and she lasted eight."

"I don't want to go through that house."

"It just doesn't seem right."

"Aunt Maryann made the best fishlips."

"She didn't like getting her picture taken."

"She was a people person."

"How's your mom doing?"

"I wanted to put a pillow over her face."

"Come on Maryann...don't be scared...just let go."

"It's just strange to think that we'll never see her again."

"She wasn't ready. She didn't want to die."

"She cried during the entire closing ceremonies last year at the 3day."

And my favorite...during a conversation that Aunt Maryann had with a priest in regards to seeing her parents in heaven...

"Will I recognize them?"

I still think that 51 is too young to die...and I still don't understand why He insisted on creating cancer...but I feel blessed to have had my Aunt in my life and am glad that she isn't suffering any longer.

2009-03-08T10:30:00.004-04:00

I feel sad for you.

I hope that you have that one person to lean on and cry to.

Life isn't fair.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope that someone you love and trust tries to peel back on that tough exterior to find out how you are truly feeling right now.

I can't begin to imagine how scared you might be. This makes me scared for you.

I wish upon every star and pray to everyone's God that you are comfortable as you go.

I pray for your peace.

I hope you have someone to cry with.

I hope you don't feel alone.

I have prayed to God that you feel him hugging you with all his heart.

I hope to God that someone tells you that you are not alone.

You might feel so alone. I don't want you to feel alone.

I can't imagine how you feel.

It just breaks my heart.

You don't deserve this.

You will be so missed.

2009-02-26T17:26:00.006-05:00

I'm sitting here at the computer with the boy sleeping on my lap. We had a rough night last night. So hard to know what's going on...is he fighting a cold, teething, belly aches? I really don't know. What I do know is that he wouldn't sleep on his own. He needed to be with me. He needed to feel my warmth, my security. It must've been so soothing for him to lay on my belly, feeling the rise and fall of it, and the way my breath gently caressed the top of his head while he slept. When he couldn't stop crying, I nursed him. When he fell asleep, I gently held him until the weight of his body felt limp...then I'd try to put him down. He'd awaken and cry. I did everything I could, and yet we still only slept a few hours.

I want to do everything I can for him to feel loved (let us pause here to note that I can feel him peeing on me this very second as I type...out the side of his diaper, through his sleeper, through my sweatshirt and nursing tank, only to kiss my innocent skin hiding beneath), to feel secure. I want him to have exactly what he needs when he needs it. I tried to do this last night for him.

Did I mention it was rough? Cause it was. At first, I was okay with the fact that he needed just a little extra love to get to sleep, a little extra bouncing and swaying. But after a few ups and downs, into the crib and back out...my head just feeling the softness of the pillow only to have to get up again minutes later, my patience started to wane and I began to feel tense. It didn't take long before I became a victim instead of a mom.

Ben woke up a bit and asked me if I was okay. I paused and considered that I could bottle these feelings and keep them for myself, but I thought better of it and said, "I am feeling angry". He said he could tell. We lay there in silence and not a minute later Kep began crying again. I threw the covers off and started heavily out the bedroom. Ben offered to take him for me, but I took a deep breath and told him no.

I went to his crib and lifted him and held him. He went back to sleep in my arms. I had a revelation in those minutes soon after. Not a new revelation, no, something I've had to realize time and time again thus far in my three month journey through motherhood. I realized that I am me, Mom, and he is Kep, my son, and together we are learning to communicate...we are learning how to give and how to get. What I need to realize is that I need to listen, and not just hear. I can hear him crying, but there is much more behind that crying than I can ever know. There are things going on in that body and in that brain and the only way to communicate whatever that may be, is through crying.

So, although it was a rough night, and there were times I would've liked to throw in the towel...or at least throw something through the window...Keplar is an infant who needs me, and I can't let one rough night here and there get in the way of providing for him.

Cause really, those nights probably won't hold a candle to what is to come...am I right??

2009-02-23T09:06:00.002-05:00

Kep is now three months old!! Wow, where has the time gone? He is getting stronger by the day...great head control and able to keep himself in a standing position for minutes on end (with our help, of course)! Incredible eye contact and even showing signs of bashfulness when he is smiled at a lot. He is recognizing who he knows and who he doesn't know so well. I still haven't heard him laugh, or giggle. He's teething...poor guy. All in all, he's quite a little package and keeps Ben and I at the brink of teetering from exhaustion. I love that he's "talking" more and that he smiles first thing in the morning when he sees us. I love all his little baby rolls, his drooling, and the fact that he can throw up nearly everything he ate and still have a smile on his face:) I love the little bald spot on the back of his head and the infinite amount of toe-jam he gets from his socks. I love his chunky legs and his strong grip. I love that he has taken over our life. He's by far the best thing that has happened to us.

I'm going back to work, but also in the process of writing up a business proposal and hoping it is well received.

I have one week to prepare my body for an indoor soccer game!! BTK is sitting this session out so that I can play :) I'm definitely NOT ready to put my body through that and their is a good chance I might hurt myself...but I'm soooo excited!! I'm preparing myself with sit-ups and a couple of jog/sprints before the game on Sunday. Let's hope it's enough!

I know, kind of a lame post...but it's all I got today :)

Her Morning Elegance

2009-02-19T22:14:00.002-05:00

I love this.

I love the video...I love the lyrics.

Something about it really speaks to me.

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...
Nobody knows

It's really difficult for me to put into words...

See, I just feel like I've been there...fighting...for my life. I know what it's like when the days feel impossibly heavy and it takes every ounce of energy to really feel alive...to find a reason to want to feel alive. My gremlins can be pretty hard on me sometimes. For a long time, I didn't know how to protect myself from them.

Then, I started to fight.

I've fought through some impossibly dark days...and what do you know? I found life on the other side.

Now, I'm fighting for my dreams...for hope.

I think we are all fighting for something...at some point.

I don't know...it just speaks to me. It's so real.

2009-02-12T21:21:00.004-05:00

He's becoming ever more complicated. Fussier. Less predictable. Recognizing who he doesn't recognize. Harder to soothe. Feeding more frequently again.

The tether feels tighter...or shorter.

Is he teething? Is it a belly ache? Are we not providing what he needs?

I am feeling wedged so deeply into motherhood these days. Some days I feel like I'm breathing such fresh air. Other days I feel like I'm suffocating.

This is motherhood, isn't it? And it doesn't end. I don't want it to end...but still, I have this feeling of wanting to drive away from it sometimes. Just for a little while.

But then I think about what I might do after driving away.

And I'm sure that would be driving right back again.

I must say, I've never felt a greater feeling of love and fullness as when Kep smiles at me. It fills my tank. Fills it full. Keeps me going.

Yeah, he's getting more and more complicated (and yet, he's barely three months!), but it only gives him more and more depth. And seriously...I just love, love, love those smiles :)

Right Now

2009-01-31T17:49:00.003-05:00

Not sure where this day has gone. Not sure where any of them have gone. They tumble at me, one by one...and I spend some time in them doing mindless things, purposeful things, profound things, lovely things...and then they go, each one follows the last. They follow each other out of my life, single file, and then they mesh together so that I can't really put my finger on any one day. I can't quite remember what I did or when I did it. Was it Saturday? Or was it Wednesday? They feel the same in my memory. They feel the same while I'm floating through them.

I've decided, only recently, that I have the best job in the world. And I am barely just tasting it. I'm just beginning to feel the water with my toes. Just getting a little sprinkle of my life ahead. What will it look like next year...next week...tomorrow?

Just when I think it can't get any better than this...today meshes with yesterday and I find myself floating in the Present...and I look around, and I consider my job...and it feels purposeful, and profound, and lovely.

The Writer in Me

2009-01-17T13:43:00.004-05:00

I've been a mom now for eight weeks...and I have nothing to write about. Nothing is screaming to exit my brain. Could it be that I'm still adjusting? I mean, you'd think I'd have run into all kinds of issues by now. Or, that I have had hundreds of revelations upon entering this new chapter...no, new book, of my life. I should have so much to say, so much to write about.

But I don't.

I think it's because I have this urge to write. Like, it's all I wanna do. I WANT to write. And now I can't. Can't think of anything.

Apparently, having a baby has wiped my slate clean.

I mean, I'll be sitting there, nursing, and I'll get to thinking...and then I get this urge to write (yes, as if I were a "writer"), but I can't write cause I'm nursing...and then I'm not nursing anymore and the boy is asleep (such is my current situation) and I want to write, like really bad, and I can't. Yep, I said it...I CAN'T.

I'm trying right now, you see.

My brain is mush.

The end.

Our Little Man

2009-01-10T15:49:00.006-05:00

He is 7 weeks old, this past Friday. Around Christmas time he began making TRUE eye contact and smiling!! As a mom who has literally been staring at her baby for 7 weeks, I absolutely LIVE for those moments that he stares back and smiles. He also "coo's". It's all so FABulous, and makes my days complete. I love him so dearly...I'm just sayin'.

So, without further ado...I give you Keplar (again)...

Empty

2009-01-06T11:17:00.005-05:00

I've been sleeping on my side out of habit from when I was pregnant. For some reason last night I took up my ol' mainstay of sleeping on my back. I surprised myself after I was situated, looking up at the ceiling, because it wasn't premeditated. So I found myself laying there...in bed...on my back...with my hands situated just so on my belly. Except this time they weren't able to carress a round, swelling surface of tight skin. Instead, my hands felt enormous and my belly felt so flat and void underneath. My skin, so thin and floppy. It felt as if I could deflate what little was left inside...like, I could push down until all the air left and I could feel my spine underneath. My thoughts immediately drifted to our son in the next room, so peacefully sleeping. The feeling was a little sad as I, for the first time, realized how separate we now were. He in his crib, me in my bed. Completely separate beings...in separate rooms...falling asleep at our own times...dreaming separate dreams.

I think I'd been looking at him for the past six weeks as still a part of me. His skin was my skin and his blood was my blood. I'd look at him and see a tiny being built by cells from my body. And though that all may hold truth, there is also truth in that we are no longer one. We are two. And I no longer breathe for him. He breathes on his own.

And so I felt a little sad...and a little empty as I lay there last night. Sad and empty, but in a "matter of fact" kind of way. I wasn't upset and I certainly don't want to go back to being pregnant again. I love that he is separate from me so that I can look at him and see him smile. It just happened to become a reality for me as I lay in bed...on my back.

A New Year

2008-12-31T11:30:00.003-05:00

This is a love note. To all of you out there. Who think and ponder and wonder. To all of you. Who let go. Of all of it. And are "okay" with letting it wash away. And to those of you. Who hold on. To each little piece. As it is given.

In 2008...

It was all necessary, or

It happened for a reason, or

It was all part of His great plan for you.

Maybe your dreams didn't unfold the way you had planned.

Perhaps your soul felt lost and unattended.

Maybe there were times you wanted to give up completely.

Remember, it is all part of the journey.

And dreaming will take you somewhere, even if it is not the exact spot you imagined.

And feeling lost is not losing...so continue to search and you will get where you want to be.

I know you haven't given up because you are still here. Hold on to that hope in your heart.

We've been catapulted into a new year.

And it will unfold before us...day after new day.

Our journey continues.

And we will find what we are looking for.

So, look for love. Look for beauty. Search for fullfillment.

Hold on to hope. Smile.

Be kind to yourself...in order to be kind to others.

Forgive.

Laugh.

Ask for help.

Breathe deeply.

Create your own reality.

2009 is full of promise.

Promise of a new chance, with each passing moment.

You will find direction, and you will make progress.

I believe in what you have started, what you have finished, and what you are creating.

2008 was simply a building block for what is to come.

Open your arms and get ready to embrace!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-19T13:53:00.004-05:00

We decorated our tree the other night. It was a family affair and we were all feeling cozy and warm and full of love as we listened to Christmas music and hung ornaments. Kep loved it.

I was on the recieving end of a generous gesture by another hypnobirthing mom. She brought me a Moby wrap to use until I can get one of my own...and it's FABulous!! I can now wear our baby and be hands free (not unlike a bluetooth)!!

We are looking forward to showing off Keplar to the extended family (and still one more sister!) during the Christmas holiday. We'll be spending five days at my parents in order to fill our souls with lots of love for the new year. I'm sure Kep will be passed around quite a bit and hopefully can keep everyone straight (he's not very good with names yet!).

Merry Christmas everyone :)

Looking Back...

2008-12-03T16:59:00.003-05:00

I've been wanting to write a post about my pregnancy...a kind of "sum it all up" type of post...but I've been at a loss for words. How do you sum up such a life changing experience?

What a journey it was.

My pregnancy challenged me.

I was faced with difficult choices.

I experienced difficult changes.

So many things to "sum up". In essence, my pregnancy with Keplar changed who I am. It transformed me and readied me to accept a new title...a new identity. I am now called Mom. Or Momma (as I refer to myself).

In the first few months, I mulled over how the pregnancy was going to change my current path to becoming a Dietitian. With only five classes to take in order to graduate in April, it didn't take long to figure out that having a baby was going to "mess it all up". Yes, I probably said those exact words. Of course, I didn't realize then what I know now. What I know now is that our little blessing didn't mess anything up. Rather, he is going to make the journey that much more enriching.

I was also quite focused on exercise...mainly running. Okay, only running. I ran. I ran quite a bit. I ran with our dogs. Or, without our dogs (if I wanted to go faster and longer). My lungs and my heart allowed me to run with speed and my endurance kept my legs from slowing. Once I became pregnant however, my heart and lungs were compromised for the tiny being growing inside me and it became very difficult to keep my legs from slowing. Running became taxing. Running became less enjoyable and it made me discouraged. But I kept going. I did it for Keplar. I did it for the dogs. I did it for myself. I did it for the health of all four of us. It quickly turned into jogging, then rollerblading, and finally (when I was getting looks from the neighbor ladies) into walking. I must say, I don't enjoy walking and I can't wait to unfold the jogging stroller I was gifted (by my beautiful sisters) in order to run again this spring. Can't. Wait.

Should I even write about the changes the body goes through during a pregnancy? I am my own worst enemy when I look in the mirror (don't look so surprised...YOU are the same way). I watched my weight climb and my belly swell. It went against everything my mind has told me is "okay". I was challenged greatly in this area. I cried a bit, here and there. It didn't take long before I was wearing T-shirts to hide the bump. I was very self-conscious during that "not quite looking pregnant" period. I wait tables for a living and raised up a "hallelujah" when my guests finally started to notice I was pregnant. Then I started hearing "you look so cute!" and "when are you due?" It was during this time that I started to embrace my pregnant body and tell myself that it was indeed"okay" that the numbers on the scale were still climbing and that the measuring tape in the docs hands kept getting longer with each visit. It's not easy to accept what you can't control, but once you look in the mirror and tell yourself that this is healthy and normal, it is much easier to swallow.

BTK and I waited till the last possible minute to sign ourselves up for some type of birthing class. I'll be the first to admit that I was scared shirtless of giving birth. It was my only hesitancy in the past for being unsure that I even wanted to have children. It kinda made me a little sick to even think about it. I didn't even like talking about it. So, yea, I was scared. Then I heard about Hypnobirthing. And I was given Karlye's name. I looked her up and talked with her over the phone and set BTK and I up for our first birthing class. I might say here that Karlye has been one of the most influential and encouraging people in my life thus far. She totally deserves Superhero status. I'm just sayin'. Super.Hero. So, BTK and I took this series of classes that basically taught us breathing, deep relaxation and self-hypnosis. But it doesn't stop there. Learning all of this took practice, daily practice. The kind of practice that you don't half-ars. It is the type of practice that you do when you believe, really believe, that you can achieve the end result. Karlye encouraged me when I doubted myself. She said, in the most perfect way, "YOU CAN". And she said it more than once. She said it with heart. She said it in a way that transformed those two words into a gift. She gifted me with confidence to perform a birth the way He intended it to be. I went from feeling fear to feeling excitement. I was so ready! Hypnobirthing is a method of natural childbirth, but for me it was so much more. It allowed me to put all fear aside and really enjoy my last couple months of pregnancy.

Which brings me to the best part. The last couple of months. Keplar was a dance enthusiast while he took up space in my belly. With not much else to do, he showed us his moves every evening when BTK and I would settle our bottoms into the cush of the couch. We'd have dinner, mosey downstairs and flip on the television. We'd just be getting into a program when Keplar would steal the show. I'd notice the first subtle movements, I'd point it out to BTK and he would lean over, pull up my shirt and expose my HUGE swelling belly and we'd watch. Keplar would get going so strong with his kicks and bends that we'd find ourselves laughing out loud as my belly morphed into different shapes. We'd both find ourselves with our hands poking and prodding as our little guy moved about. I loved this. I truly embraced it. And, just as I predicted, I miss those times. I will forever remember them. I will forever enjoy them.

I have to say that all in all, pregnancy is not so bad. It is not my favorite thing (can get a bit physically uncomfortable at times), but it certainly has a place in my life. It has helped me grow. It has given me renewed confidence in myself. It has made me a stronger person...a fighter :) Karlye taught me that my imagination is stronger than my will...that I create my own reality. Take a quick minute and think about that. There is much truth hidden in those statements. I am trying to live those truths today, and I plan on passing those truths on to our little guy...now that he is here in our world :)

Keplar Craft Koenig

2008-11-27T11:14:00.002-05:00

Our baby boy was born Friday, November 21st at 5pm !!!!

I went in for an ultrasound and a NST the day before and the ultrasound showed that I had a very big baby in my belly and it was in the breech position. So, Doc scheduled me for a C-section the very next day. What an experience that was! I'll type more about it another time. Keplar was 10lbs. and 20 inches long :)

We've been home since Monday and BTK and I are being taken care of by his mom...which is WONDERFUL. We have been able to focus on our little guy and enjoy the quiet of our home and the newness of our sweet little family. It's been incredibly relaxing and peaceful and our Keplar is just perfect...and seriously gets cuter by the minute!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)

2008-11-19T14:26:00.002-05:00

Hi all. It's me. Pregnant me. Still pregnant, btw. Officially "overdue".

Funny story...maybe:
Went to the Doc's office on Monday. When Doc first entered the room... where I sat with a sheet over my nether regions staring at the lube and the latex glove...he said, "Well now you've overdone it!". ("overdone it" cause I'm "overdue")

It was a joke. And I laughed.

But then I made a joke of my own and said, "Well doc, don't you think maybe you got the date wrong?".

It was a joke. And he didn't laugh. Rather, he went into fine detail in his charts with how he arrived at my particular due date and was also quick to remind me that I couldn't provide them with pertinent information they needed (first day of last period) to figure it all out. I gathered that he didn't pick up on my joke.

No more jokes...latex glove on.

I'm almost 2cm dilated, so I've made a little progress :) They'll keep a close eye on the wee one and as long as things are safe, they'll let me go till December 1st. I promise things will happen before then...so sit tight! News will come soon after :)

The DUE date.

2008-11-16T14:55:00.002-05:00

It is here, folks. The date that our doctor gave us to be "due".

November 16th. It's the magic day. The day that weighs on your shoulders. The day that, once past, sends you into murkier waters.

The day that begins the countdown to the day that they MUST induce.

I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm sure we'll start discussing those details.

And so help me...if the baby hasn't moved down by then....

What? What happened to my "positive place", you ask?
It's here somewhere...kinda comes and goes.

I'll go look for it now :)

Taking Care of Ourselves

2008-11-14T08:14:00.002-05:00

We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless.

Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.

Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing.

We are our own rescuers.

Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us. ~Excerpt from The Language of Letting Go

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember when BTK and I first moved here, and I was job searching. Fresh out of college, armed with a Psychology degree, I filled out a few applications and I looked here and there in the classifieds. I "couldn't find anything", and "nothing was turning up". I was frustrated. I spent a lot of time on the computer, in our apartment, waiting for something to happen. I was frustrated and upset. I talked to my father and his words still ring in my head, "No one is going to knock on your door and offer you anything".

It was an obvious statement, but very powerful at the time.

No one is going to lead you by the hand. No one is going to come and rescue you.

It is true for all of us, in all areas of our lives.
If you want something, go for it.
If you need something, tell someone.
Stop making it a guessing game for the world. Instead, step out into the world and make it happen!
You have it in you!
Spread your wings and fly!

RESCUE YOURSELF.

The Baby Is Coming...

2008-11-10T08:46:00.002-05:00

The baby knows. It just knows.

It knows that the time is near. It is moving towards the exit. It knows that this part of the journey is coming to an end...that a new chapter is ahead. A new road to its freedom.

We won't be one anymore. We won't share what we are sharing now. I won't feel its every movement. It won't hear my every word...or feel my every emotion.

The baby will depart and arrive all at once. What a strange concept. But that is exactly what it will do. And we will meet it face to face for the first time, even though we've been living with it for almost 40 weeks now.

Pregnancy has been quite a journey. And soon, it will be only a memory for me.

The baby knows the time is near :)

What Have You Created?

2008-11-01T11:01:00.004-04:00

Ever find yourself waiting for something...anticipating something? Maybe it's a job, or a promotion. Maybe a call from the doctor with test results. Perhaps it's a marriage proposal you are anticipating, or maybe, just maybe, you are awaiting GOING INTO LABOR.

Whatever kind of waiting place you are in...what does it feel like?? Are you growing impatient? Are you getting frustrated? Are you feeling like you just want it to be HERE...and you just want to KNOW...and you just want it to HAPPEN ALREADY!!?

Does your waiting place feel negative?

Is it discouraging? Are you frustrated? Tense?

What is this place that you are in? What have you CREATED for yourself?

HOW DO YOU FLEE FROM THE NEGATIVITY?

Try this: Say something positive to yourself.

Do it.

Find something in this waiting place that is good.

There is plenty of good.

Find it and relish in it. Let it surround you. Feel it.

Create a positive place and wait there. You might as well.

It feels way better. I promise.

Limbo

2008-10-23T18:57:00.002-04:00

Had coffee with a dear friend today and on the way to meet her I thought, "i should've cancelled...I have nothing going on...nothing to say". And funny thing is, one of the first things she asked me was if I felt as though I were in this "waiting place". She hit the nail on the head. That is exactly how I feel. Like my life is in limbo and I'm just waiting for Him to pull the trigger on my uterus so that I can get on with things. Pregnancy is one month too long. Or perhaps He planned it this way in order for women to hear themselves say, "okay...I'm ready for this...let's do it already!". And I am ready for this...so let's just do it already.

I'm visiting the doc once a week now. He gave me a thorough checkin' two weeks ago, when he said I was dilated to a ONE, but from here on out he just waits for me to labor. No more thorough checkin'...just a weigh in, a tape measure, a doppler on my belly and a question/answer session.

So yeah, I'm just waitin'. And growin'. And peein'. A lot.

I also discussed an obvious point with my dear friend today. That point was that, one day, I am going to look back on all this TIME I have on my hands now and wish I had it back. I'm certainly taking it for granted and I'm totally willing to trade it for a baby in my hands. Strange. I should be taking my books and journals and music to coffee shops for dreaming time, writing time, ME time. I may just do that tomorrow. Or maybe I'll go into labor.

Only TIME will tell...

A Warming Post

2008-10-22T09:27:00.002-04:00

We haven't turned on our heat yet. It is currently a chilly 57 degrees.

Some things I can do today to keep warm:

Do housework (vacuuming, paint prep, clean laundry room)
Drink hot tea ~~and spill it in my lap~~
Allow sunroom to heat up and then open door into house
Drink ~~Baileys and~~ coffee
Broil something and then leave oven door open to heat house
Leave house and go somewhere warm
~~Exercise~~ Curl up under blankets on the couch with a dog on either side of me

You might wonder why I don't just turn our heat on?? Well, I'm not going to be the first one to cave. I'll just wear more clothes till BTK decides he can't stand it anymore. Survival of the fittest in this household!

Turns Out...

2008-10-16T11:17:00.002-04:00

Turns out that the BEST time to tell your doctor you don't want an I.V., constant heart monitor, cervical checks, episiotomy, or his hands anywhere near the cave in which your baby has been hibernating for the past 40 weeks is when he is in the middle of "delivering" three different babies up in the hospital and one is breech.

If you catch him in the middle of all of that comotion...where he only really has like 3 minutes to complete your exam (where he will tell you that you are dilated to a ONE)...than he will likely not have time to tell you of all the risks and inconveniences of your preferences to birth naturally.

It was that easy :)

"Just type it all up and bring it in next visit and I'll put it in your file", he says.

And so we shall.

In other news: BTK and I forgot to call his mom yesterday on her BIRTHDAY...
It was about 5am this morning when I remembered. I was on the couch and I kinda woke up to that thought and so I called into bedroom to BTK and said, "Hey BTK, you know what yesterday was?!"
And he called back, "garbage and recycling?"
...and I said, "no...it was the 15th!"
"My mom's birthday!"
"yeah"...
And with that, we went back to sleep.

I have forgotten many birthdays over the years and though I'm slowly getting better at remembering, I'm sure I'll still forget many more.

We love you Mom C. !!!!!! Happy Birthday :)

Kankles

2008-10-14T07:48:00.003-04:00

My feet swallowed my ankles.

And my toes look like little sausages.

'Bout a month to go...

We have a doc's appointment tomorrow where we will tactfully express to him that their "routine" measures during labor don't really fit our ideals :)

Can't wait!!

Speaking of Being Full...

2008-10-03T11:33:00.003-04:00

This is getting to be a bit ridiculous.

Being Full

2008-10-01T21:41:00.002-04:00

Today was full of feeling and gifts and treasures and deep breaths...

Today felt crisp, new, inspiring, fleeting, comfortable, slow, refreshing, beautiful.

It felt as if I was going about my business, and all around me a show was being performed...by the trees and the sun and the clouds, the shadows and the breeze, the cool temperature, the smells; they all played their part. They were all the "lead" at one point or another.

The performance left me giddy :)

Today, I went here and there, and there and there. I hurried, and took my time. I laughed when I should've been serious. I talked serious matters. I talked light matters. I considered our blessings. I considered we NEED nothing more. Nothing. More. I accomplished. I procrastinated. I wished for what I don't have and can't have. I loved. I envied. I peed all over my hand when trying to make it in the dixie cup. I cleaned up. I saw myself as HUGE. I told myself I am the PERFECT size. I read. I worked. I volunteered. I cooked and ate. I was complimented...twice :)

Today has left me feeling full :)

Just Checking In...

2008-09-30T22:54:00.003-04:00

A bit overwhelmed right now...not keeping up with much of anything it seems. Lately, it seems my world...my own ginormous universe...is in a downhill spin. Not downhill in the sense that things are bad and getting worse. More like, picking up speed on the downhill...and spinning a bit along the way.

There is no stopping it now. My life has sped up. It goes faster as you age, ya know. I'm sure some of you have experienced this. Perhaps it happened to you without a notice, without a second glance from you back to where the slow comfortable pace was left by the wayside. Perhaps you adjusted without even realizing there was an adjustment to be made. I'm definitely feeling the adjustment from the slow to the speedy, as if a new gear turned.

And it is overwhelming at times, mostly when the gremlins visit. They are a challenge, to say the least. They make me second guess where I'm at and how I'm doin' at it. And right now, with the quick approach of a new life taking its' first breath and being handed to me, the gremlins are making me question if I'm ready. Have I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for this? What if I can't breathe through the labor? Will BTK and I ever be the same, or will our relationship be completely different? Will we be able to handle the stress, the challenges that are to come? Am I patient enough? What if I'm not strong enough and I fall to pieces at some point?

And then some.

So, yeah, overwhelmed and stuff.

But the gremlins come, and then they go. They go because I'm mostly able to talk my way away from them. The fact is, I am good enough. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. BTK and I have love on our side and one challenge will not make or break us. The adventure we are on is exciting! Life is full of stressors, but I am strong enough and aware enough and I am learning to handle them. And if and when I do fall to pieces, I have people who love me who will help me back on my feet.

The baby is huge and I am huge...

We had our baby shower and our baby's wardrobe is officially bigger than mine :)

I have only three shifts left at work and then I'm done! (for a while anyways)

I still have six more weeks before the expected date...which is quite a bit of time to continue to "prepare" and ready ourselves.

I have God on my side :)

And then some.

Just a quick Tuesday thought...

2008-09-23T09:51:00.003-04:00

BTK left for vacation and I was lost for a day, then found myself for three days, then lost again and lonely...THEN, we met up at my parents for the weekend and had a GREAT time with family and friends and now we are back home and I am found again!! Back to normal except better cause before it was the same as it is now except I didn't know how good it was...so it is actually better and the same. I know...so profound.

We attended a wedding on Saturday night and then our baby shower on Sunday...and it was all wonderful and fabulous! And I must say...I've been seeing less and less of my incredible family as the years progress and they only seem to be loving me more and more. I really can't describe the feeling...maybe like they lit a candle in me and warmed my heart with their love. And that candle is still glowing...so, thank you family for making me feel so special and loved this past weekend. Not just anyone can make a person feel like they are spilling over with so much juicy love :)

Back into the swing of things here. Trying to get ahold of so many things that seem to be slipping out of my grasp...LIFE is happening all around us and it is scampering and bouncing and skipping and calling back to me to "try and keep up!!".

So I'm trying to keep up.

That's where I'm at on this Tuesday :)

Peace out.

Because you weren't here...

2008-09-17T15:33:00.006-04:00

Because you weren't here, I felt a sense of loss
Like a piece was missing from my life
Like part of the story went untold
Like I was looking for something I wouldn't find.

Because you weren't here, my eyes were wet
My heart felt constricted
My body was a little lost
Trying to navigate through that first day after I hung up the phone.

Because you weren't here, I shopped only for myself
Buying less and preparing less
I didn't open the Oreo's
I was forced to eat a pear.

Because you weren't here, I considered only myself
And found that myself was worth considering
I opened a book and enjoyed a read
I opened my journal and laid down some ink.

Because you weren't here, I talked less
And listened more to the voices in my head
They started to speak loudly of needs and wants
Of myself and of you.

Because you weren't here, there was less guilt
You are on vacation
It's okay if I'm on vacation
And I'm enjoying my time a little more.

Because you weren't here, the house is missing a beat
For you are part of the rhythm
That keeps this place alive
The song has not been as pretty since you've been away.

Because you weren't here, I didn't sleep as well
When I woke at 3am to cops and dogs and flashlights
Directly in front of the house
No one to comfort me that I was safe.

Because only I'm here, with the dogs and the growing belly
I am lonely
No one can fill the space that you fill
My heart is a bit empty

Because you aren't here, I've no one to complain to
No one to lift their shirt and offer to carry the baby
Then kiss me on the forehead so sweetly
Even though I might cry.

Because you aren't here, there is less laughter
Less to say
Less hugs and kisses
Less companionship.

Miss you babe :)

Monday Morning

2008-09-15T10:24:00.002-04:00

The hours have been ticking since I've risen from BTK's side of the bed. I find his side a bit more comfortable. Hopefully, once he is back home from his trip, he'll find my side comfy...cause that is where he'll be sleeping :)

I've been moving slowly this morning. I did some birthing affirmations, some journaling, some reading, and now I'm blogging. You might think these things are NOT productive, but in my world they are. Not only are they productive, they are also needed and healing. The blogging isn't necessarily all of those things, but I definitely enjoy it...which makes it important!

Our long stretch of rain has ceased! This means the dogs and I can FINALLY cover some ground outside! They don't know it yet, but they will be thrilled when they find out that we are going to get disciplined outside time. They love discipline...they tell me it helps them feel more centered.

As for me, I have settled into my alone time just fine. Yesterday after work, I cleaned the snot out of our upstairs. I wouldn't have done that had I come home to BTK. It's kinda nice to work according to only MY agenda. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him. I'd much rather him be here than not. But I can appreciate the solitude that forces me to focus only on ME. I am important too ya know.

Remember the large, tent-like number I was on the hunt for on Saturday?? Well, I found something and I'm actually quite happy with it. It's brown, V-neck, cap sleeves, cotton, stretchy, knee length...not quite a fall style, but I also found a sweater to wear with it so it should be fine :) I looked on Old Navy's website to link and show y'all, but couldn't find it. You'll have to wait till I have pics from the events!

Only five and a half more hours till I have to be at work! Time to get something done!

NOT my favorite things...

2008-09-13T09:27:00.003-04:00

BTK called me at 8:30am this morning to let me know he reached his destination: the launch site on the French River in Canada. He took off last night and met up with his brothers to begin the journey North, and now he is there...and not here. After we hung up, I missed him. It is quiet here. It is pouring rain. I feel a little lonely. I mean, I guess I do have the dogs to keep me company and plenty of things I could keep busy with. And I am truly happy for BTK to be able to take this little (7day) getaway with his brothers. And he has been SO excited to go! I've been stepping over camping/fishing/hiking gear for nearly three weeks now!

But it is still gonna be a bit lonely. And that is okay :) A little solitude will probably serve me well :)

So, I'm sitting here at the computer reading up on blogs and deciding what I'll do with my day when I realize that we have a wedding to attend next weekend and I don't have anything to wear! SO, at 31 weeks pregnant I get to go DRESS SHOPPING!!!! YAY!!!! Now, if it were just the one wedding, I think I could get away with wearing some dress pants and a cutesy maternity top...but we have four weddings to attend in the next month and a half and I'm doing a reading at one of them, so I'd better go to the dreaded mall and find something big and tent-like to fit myself into.

It's raining and humid and gray and all I want to do is sit on the couch with a book (after I vacuum the dog hair from it, of course).

Instead, I will get in my car and drive two cities away to the mall where I will walk around to different stores and try on maternity dresses. It's gonna be FABulous!

Then, I will come home and nap before I head to work this evening.

Wow, what a great day! I bet BTK wishes he were here so that he could join me ;)

Pictures and Words

2008-09-10T16:44:00.007-04:00

One day I'll know how to put these pics into some kinda collage for your viewing pleasure...one day.

And yes, I actually put a ball up my shirt for the picture cause I just wasn't lookin' big enough, ya know? I'm about 30 weeks now. The baby seems to be sticking one of its limbs into my ribcage on a more consistent basis and it's also being a bit more FORCEFUL with this particular limb in my rib, for some reason. Perhaps its hanging from the rib like a little monkey...I really can't be sure.

BTK is pretending to lift the baby from the crib in that one shot. I think his form is a little off, but who am I to criticize?? I mean, I've never done it before so how would I know? We painted some shapes up on the walls and BTK is planning on using a paint pen to write some geometric equations next to them...that way when the kid is like 13 or whatever, there won't be any complaining that he/she has grown outta the room.

It's time for me to get movin'...BTK will be home soon and I have to make it look like I actually DID something today. I'm gonna clean off the counter top...it's a very noticeable area of clutter and he'll think it took me ALL DAY. And I'm making fish curry for dinner...cause we LOVE curry!

Peace out.

The Wee One Is Growing...

2008-09-06T10:58:00.002-04:00

And today the baby feels even heavier, and my belly feels like it is pulling down even more. It is the top of the belly that hurts. It is taught, sore, and itchy at times. And seriously, I still have ten weeks of this and it's only going to get more intense...so can I GET OVER IT already???? Perhaps I should save this "sorry for myself" attitude for a month or so, cause it probably isn't even that bad right now compared to what it will be!

It really isn't that bad (see? I'm over it already). As long as I'm moving about, I don't notice it as much.

What I NEED is new maternity clothes. Not only have I mostly grown out of what I have, it is all summer apparell and it is getting cooler outside. Just a few pieces should hold me over till the wee babe is born. I might even splurge for the $6.49 sweatshirts they have at Target. Not maternity wear, but if I get a large I'll be just fine. I'm also in search for a dress that I can wear to the four weddings we have coming up! Couldn't these people have gotten married back in April??? I mean, didn't they know I'd be huge and uncomfortable by October?? Come on!!

We started our birthing classes and we are SUPER into the method we chose. Our baby is comin' out drug free and it's gonna be an AMAZING experience! I think we are both starting to really look forward to that day :) And for all you women out there who have horrendous stories to tell about how awful and painful birthing is...SAVE IT! I don't want to hear it :) But if you have a gentler story about how beautiful your experience was and how there is nothing to fear, DO TELL...for those are the stories that ought to be shared with first-time mothers-to-be. Don't get me wrong, I know it is laborous and exhausting and uncomfortable...but I also know that women were built to do it and it is better to approach it with positive thoughts rather than negative ones. More power to me :)

It's beautiful weather here...hopefully you are seeing the same! Have a great weekend!

LET THE COMPLAINING BEGIN!!!!!

2008-08-29T15:05:00.003-04:00

It started a couple of days ago...when I started to really feel pregnant. What does it mean to really feel pregnant, you ask? Well, it all begins with the feeling that gravity is going to steal your belly off of, well...your belly. Whether I'm standing up or laying on one of my ~~many~~ two sides, my belly is being pulled towards the center of the earth.

Now, I know this is the miracle of life and stuff, but perhaps this one miracle could've come fashioned with a belly sidecar, in order to make carrying easier and more comfortable.

Also, it is a physiological FACT that not getting enough sleep will result in a person literally going insane. Hmmm.................and our Creator decided on the following things:
1. We need X amount of sleep.
2. Not getting X amount of sleep will result in INSANITY.
3. Pregnant women will not get X amount of sleep in the months before bearing a child.
4. New moms will be INSANE.

Did I mention that sleeping has become a nightly challenge? Just as He planned.

And it hurts to put on socks and shoes.
And I'm supposed to be preparing, but I'm tired much of the time (lack of sleep?).
And my sciatic nerve hurts.
And I'm not supposed to lift ANYTHING, according to EVERYONE except my doctor and me.
And my legs cramp up if I'm not careful.

BUT, when I'm laying in bed at the end of the day with my enormous belly exposed for ~~the world~~ my baby's daddy to see and we are watching it morph into different shapes and feeling the movement of our baby and BTK is trying to hear it through my belly and he is talking to it and we are sharing in this really incredible miracle...I can truly appreciate the awesome challenge this journey brings forth.

This is what my giant belly looks like as of an hour ago today:

In Other News...

2008-08-27T08:04:00.003-04:00

Some pictures of our "art" on the baby's room walls:

What is GRAHAM?

2008-08-14T14:27:00.005-04:00

I was eating some stale graham crackers recently and a thought struck me..."I wonder what graham is?". I didn't actually take the time to look until today, when I was again eating stale graham crackers, and I was thrilled that there was such a crazy history to such a delicious cracker.

Apparently, there was this guy named Sylvester (not unlike the cartoon or the boxer) whose last name happened to be Graham. Sylvester developed a diet and called it the Graham Diet. This diet consisted of bland foods and its sole purpose was to suppress unhealthy carnal urges, such as masturbation (which he believed was a catalyst for blindness).

Now, Graham was obviously a crazy man...but his crackers are a fabulous snack and they pair really well with a toasted marshmallow and some chocolate. And I don't know about you, but instead of NOT thinking about those carnal urges, I think graham crackers are my new aphrodisiac.

And by the way, those bland Kellogg's Corn Flakes that you eat every morning...they were created for the same reason :)

OH! And, I found out that graham flour is made by taking a whole grain wheat kernel and grinding its components (bran, germ, and endosperm) separately and then mixing them up again creating a coarse textured flour, graham flour.

No Title

2008-08-12T14:26:00.003-04:00

What I am NOT:

I am not a leader.
I am not perfect.
I am not a gardener.
I am not a risk taker.
I am not a water skiir.
I am not an award winning chef.
I am not a liar.
I am not the happiest person on earth.
I am not the loneliest either.
I am not a pack rat.
I am not an interior decorator or a fashion enthusiast.
I am not in it for the money.
I am not full of strong opinions and right answers.
I am not someone to be judged by another equal someone for what I am not.

What I AM:

I am a dreamer.
I am a believer in following your dreams.
I am a runner.
I am a lover of dogs.
I am pregnant.
I am a writer.
I am a student.
I am willing to listen.
I am really good at cleaning.
I am unorganized.
I am scattered.
I am so full of emotion sometimes I think I might burst.
I am an excellent server.
I am in love with BTK's entire being.
I am peaceful.
I am interested in what makes you whole.
I am discovering what makes me whole.
I am human.

2008-08-11T07:46:00.005-04:00

My mom visited last week and we had a great time, as always. We managed to have dinner with my brother and his wife Wednesday eve, along with BTK (who had to drive us home in the worst storm!). The next morning, we showed up to blueberry pick at the farm but couldn't because the blueberrys were still wet from rain. Instead, we headed downtown for coffee and hit up the sidewalk sales for the afternoon. It was a short, sweet visit.

BTK and I have managed to start a couple of registries for our little one. Hopefully we can wrap those up by the end of the week!

I have my final exam this Wednesday for my summer class!

Here is a picture of me this morning. And I swear I'm not sticking my belly out! It just does that :)

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To Really Feel

2008-07-31T08:10:00.003-04:00

I'm an emotional wreck this week, which is strange cause I've been feeling SO good the past few weeks. Funny how it all can flip so quickly.

I love to blog (although I don't keep up with my own). I love finding blogs that are full of inspiration, hope, enthusiasm for life, and that leave me feeling so much more free and creative than I was before I read them. I am on a path of transformation in my life right now and I've come to count on these people, these blogs, to continue pushing me in the right direction.

I just found this blog and the tears rolled freely as I asked God what He has done with my life? I will soon have a little being in my arms and I know, I just KNOW, the world in which I live will be long gone. Everything will change. BTK and I have no idea what this is going to mean for us and we won't know until we see "it" and cradle "it" in our arms. But I can FEEL the change coming...I KNOW it is on its way.

The tears are COMFORTABLE tears. They are SCARED tears. They are tears of longing and hope and worry. They represent the shaky ground I've been walking upon for so long.

I would be inclined to say that an emotionally charged week isn't the best, but why shouldn't I embrace it? Who is to say that a mountain of instability makes a bad week? God gave us feelings, an entire spectrum of feelings, and he intends for us to feel them. A week like the one I'm having makes me think, I mean really think, about my life and my actions and where I've been and where I'm headed. Yes, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this week, but I'm going to embrace it and revel in it...because next week I might just go back to only feeling good.

"Needs"

2008-07-27T21:56:00.003-04:00

So, my due date is November 16th and I'm constantly being reminded that I need to start "preparing" for this baby's arrival. We need to prepare sleeping quarters, get registered, learn how to care for our newborn, learn how to give birth, learn how to breastfeed, prepare our dogs...take classes, buy products...the list seems to go on and on. The fact is, I haven't even once walked through the baby section at Target. I haven't opened my bag-of-goodies from the doctor to page through the magazines full of products. I haven't perused the web for furniture for the bedroom. Am I behind the eightball? Do I not care about the needs of our child? Am I not taking this seriously enough?

The answer to all of these questions is "No, of course not".

So, you might ask, what have I been thinking about?

I have been thinking about "needs" in a different sense.

Our child will need:

Courage to stand up for itself.
Respect for the adults in its life.
Empathy for its best friends tears.
A sense of Self-Worth to carry it through challenging times.
Belief in itself to be able to try new things.
Faith in God when all else seems to fail.
Self-Confidence in order not to have to follow the crowd.
Humor in order to laugh, and laugh often.
Understanding, in order to accept all walks of life.
Patience, for all good things come to those who wait!

And as far as I know, I can't find these things at Target or in the magazines...but BTK and I are responsible for each and every one. And I can't stop thinking about those things...and so much more...for those are the things that matter and that add substance to a persons life.

And for all of you out there who think that I'm a bit crazy...don't worry your pretty heads, I promise we'll register soon :)

The Forbidden Word

2008-07-23T08:29:00.003-04:00

Our lives are busy. Too busy. I've come to dislike using the word "busy", but I'm not sure how to get around it lately.

BTK and I are trying to save each other from sinking too fast. We can't keep up with what life is handing us right now, so we've resorted to little pushes here and there (when our paths cross) to let the other know we are behind 'em. It's working so far...

But we are both looking forward to that window...the one that will open to let some air in. The one that will let us breathe again. The one that we can climb through and find a quiet place to meditate, together.

We are surviving, and we aren't complaining (well, he's not), but we both know that this isn't how we prefer to live our lives. We prefer a slower pace; time with which to work.

This picture is what I look like today. I look pregnant and I feel that way too :)

On a lighter note, Chuck killed a rabbit yesterday. He broke its leg and let it bleed to death. BTK buried it in the backyard.

And an even lighter note, I have a midterm in Biomedical Ethics today.

Ultrasound

2008-07-09T15:04:00.002-04:00

Ultrasound was quite spectacular! Turns out our baby looks exactly like everyone else's baby up on that screen ;) Seriously though, it has two arms and two legs and a brain and four heart chambers, so it looks as if it's gonna be as normal as can be...that is, until Ben and I get our hands on it! Which, incidentally, will be in about 18 weeks...taking us to November 16th, give or take two weeks. It will be a boy or a girl, and when I mentioned to Ben how normal it will be he considered the fact that it could very well have webbed feet. Cause, you know, you can't really tell on the ultrasound if that is the case or not. Something to look forward to, I suppose.

I'm feeling pretty good, considering all the changes my body continually makes. The baby weighs 1 lb. at this point, which is confusing to me cause I've gained about 14lbs. What gives? Despite my growing belly and my inability to zip/button my pants, I continue to leave most maternity clothes in the bags they were brought home in. And our home seems to get messier and messier, and I'm wondering when this "nesting" thing is going to kick in? Is that something that is just going to inherently happen, or is that a self-motivated task?

Anyhoodles, things are going well and Ben and I are happy as clams and we'll keep you posted as things progress!

Summer School Fun!

2008-07-07T10:18:00.003-04:00

I graduated with a BA from WMU in '01, after 3.5 years of attending.

I've been attending WMU once again for the past two-ish years.

I just had 7 weeks off from school.

I'm back today and needed to buy a book for my class.

I couldn't find the bookstore and ended up having to ask for directions!

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Isn't it funny how the constant snapping of gum can irritate and distract you more than a conversation between people who are actually sitting closer?

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We are headed on Wednesday to the Docs office for the first ultrasound (20 weeks), where we will not be finding out the gender of the baby.

It's All Understood

2008-06-21T16:17:00.003-04:00

The Jack Johnson concert was FAB!! We had a great time with Mat and Katy, and Jacks performance was unreal! He sounds better live than on his recordings. One little hang-up though: he didn't play my favorite song. Now, I know he has a gazillion songs and he can only play so many, but I was suitably disappointed that I didn't get to hear the BEST one. The name of the song is It's All Understood, and I put it on my playlist. Go ahead, have a listen. I think you'll find it very pleasing to the ears.

Back to the name of the song: It's All Understood. Well, it got me thinking and I think I now Understand why Jack didn't play it. I'm pretty sure he feels that it would only be appropriate to play it if it were just him and me, in a room, alone. I now understand. It's all understood. He felt that there were just too many selfish people there and they would've gotten the wrong idea about who the song was directed at.

Now, about the fetus in my belly. It just so happens that I felt it move for the first time on our way home from the concert. It was 2:16am and I was driving. I had drank a coffee an hour before, I had to pee, I was singing and doing Kegel exercises (trying to stay awake) when all of a sudden I felt this flutter...and immediately thought, "the baby". It couldn't have been anything else (except probably a dozen other things) and I was sure (questioning myself) that it was the baby! It could've been the loud music, the third-hand mary jane, the Kegels, the caffeine, or the fact that it knew I was dozing behind the wheel. Whatever it was, I'm happy to have felt it and hope to feel it again soon, but not too much...cause I bet it could get annoying, and I'm a complainer :)

Yep, totally felt the baby move. And I'm pretty sure it felt like it was moving from an Indian style sit to a full out stretch, but I can't be sure.

Losing sleep and gaining weight (brandi carlile), that's what I've been up to. And losing depth in my belly button. I think it pops out cause it gets in the baby's way and the baby inevitably has to push it somewhere...but again, I can't be too sure.

Here is a pic of a random pregnant woman in her 17th week that I found on the internet. It's not me, even if it kind of looks like me:

2008-06-18T13:29:00.002-04:00

We are headed off this afternoon to a Jack Johnson concert, compliments of the "Nguyen party of two". This adventure will take us to the East side of Michigan, to a place I know all too well...formerly called Pine Knob. I still call it Pine Knob, although its' name changed years ago to DTE Energy Music Theater (can you see why I still call it Pine Knob?). It's not often enough that we hit a concert, and the fact that it's Jack Johnson will make it that much more enjoyable.

I started volunteering with the Dietitians at Holland Hospital a week ago :) My first project is updating and consolidating the hundreds of files they have on Nutrition, diseases, etc. Now, at first this seemed to me a "let's keep her outta our way" type of project. But after only two weeks, I can see that being planted at a file cabinet in the middle of four Dietitians desks while reading over and validating Nutrition information is going to be an invaluable experience. I hear all of their Dietetics chatter while they bounce ideas off each other and talk to each other about different clients. For me, the hours go so fast and I enjoy every minute. I'm looking forward to what lies ahead for me as we get to know each other and they begin to trust me with heavier tasks.

I begin a class at Western in a couple of weeks. It's called Biomedical Ethics and makes me want to yak. BUT, who knows...could be really interesting, I suppose.

Ben and I are also looking forward to a little getaway to a place called Charleston, SC. It will be sunny and HOT (or warm) and we will be far away from anything and anyone where we can focus on each other and the new land in front of us.

I have a new girl name....Sydney Faye.... what d'ya think? I think Ben likes Keegan Faye better, but what does he know anyways?

Belly Button

2008-06-13T11:07:00.003-04:00

I saw a rather pregnant woman the other day and her belly button was an "outtie".

I don't want an "outtie".

But I checked and it looks like it's on its' way.

Hmf.

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Your Heart vs. Your Brain

2008-06-12T16:17:00.004-04:00

Is your brain getting in the way of what your heart is pushing you to do??

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The Helper in Me and You

2008-06-09T14:50:00.003-04:00

It never hurts to be reminded of THIS...

Some things that I need help with:

Being patient with all walks of life..
Finding my way through fashion..
Embracing my changing body..
Understanding what it means to LIVE..
Sorting through the material God put in my head..
Eating a large pizza..
Painting the basketball pole in our driveway..
Discovering my inner beauty..
Waking up from a nap..
Realizing how powerful I really am..
Believing in the kind words directed at me..
Being a better friend..
Becoming a calm-assertive pack leader..

Some I don't need help with:

Taking a nap..
Embracing Mother Nature in all her beauty..
Preparing a fabulous meal..
Enjoying a movie and ice cream..
Having a run with our dogs..
Playing basketball in our driveway..
Giving a compliment and really mean it..
Waiting tables with confidence..
Having faith in God..
Trusting those I am close with..
Singing along with my fave songs..
Asking lots of questions during movies..

A Mile A Minute

2008-05-21T07:37:00.002-04:00

I don't know what our little being is doing in there, but it must be intense cause that heartbeat was about 160bpm!!!! Dave suggested maybe a little kung-fu, but I think our child would better enjoy a little choreographed dancing.

So, there really isn't a whole lot to report, except that we DID hear the heartbeat, and it was AMAZING! I've never heard anything so incredible! I've known that there is a little being growing inside me, but to hear a heartbeat that isn't my own... coming from my tummy area... gave me a connection that I didn't have before. It's really alive and living and growing and ~~breathing~~ developing and one day it's gonna be a real live newborn! And we are gonna be able to choreograph our own dances to our favorite songs!! And we'll eat frozen gummy bears together (but certainly not as much as I do now) while we prepare dinner (how old is this newborn gonna be and will it be able to help me with dinner right away?) for the father of the family.

Ben and I are gonna be such great parents. We can't wait to give our kids chores without allowances, limited TV time, early bedtimes and curfews, and as many awkward lectures as we can while they grow up :) It's gonna be great!

Really though, we just feel incredibly blessed that this pregnancy is progressing so well. I won't get an ultrasound for another seven weeks, and only then will they be able to give me a due date. So, hang on tight folks! And sorry for being such a slacker on my blog!

Happy Hump Day :)

BIG DAY TODAY

2008-05-16T08:26:00.002-04:00

I can't explain the feeling I have right now, knowing that in six hours I'll be laying on a hospital bed listening to the heartbeat of our growing fetus. It's not excitement or anxiousness, I think it's more of a "holding my breath" type of feeling. Like, I can't exhale until I hear it. I can't even imagine what it's going to sound like, or how clear it will be. Perhaps we'll barely be able to decipher the beats. I don't know what to expect. Maybe that's why I'm holding my breath.

Last I heard, it's not possible to hold your breath for six hours. We'll see how I do.

I have questions for the doctor that I will probably forget to ask. I should write them down in order to remember, but I won't. It's just not my style. I need to ask about lifting heavy objects, cause the people at work are driving me nuts with the, "should you even be lifting that?". It's driving me nuts cause I don't know. I also need to know why the contents of my abdomen area are so sore in the morning. My muscles hurt as if I've been tightening them all night. And I have to slowly rise when I get up in the middle of the night to *tinkle* because it feels like when I stand up everything in there moves and shifts and it's really uncomfortable. And I need to ask him about sunbathing. I do it incessantly during the summer and I need to know what is safe for the baby.

My pants are smaller, or rather, my tummy is a bit "different" and my pants press into my belly when I sit down and it kinda hurts a little.

Appointment is at 2:15 today! Updates to come!

Update

2008-04-28T22:01:00.003-04:00

I promised an update.

I don't have many details except that I am 9 or 10 weeks along and everything is progressing as it should :) Doc says that my symptoms are all consistent with pregnancy :)

Upon entering and sitting down in our room, BTK and I exchanged grim looks. We were both feeling the dark cloud that hung over us the last time we were there. Feelings of devastation were being stirred up, and we both recognized these feelings.

The doctor finally came in with his student trailing behind. He always has a student with him, which is great cause then there are even more eyes on me and my naked parts. It's not uncomfortable at all ;) No, actually, I'm used to it and I think it's really great that he spends the time and effort with students. They tag-teamed me for the exam, so it took half the time! I was a little nervous when she did the PAP cause I heard the doc say something about "being gentle" which led me to believe she had never done this procedure before. But she did great work and I was awful proud of her for doing such a great job!!

I think both BTK and I felt better by the end of the exam. The doc is letting us come in a little early to hear the heartbeat... May 16th! We are both really looking forward to this. I think it'll be a huge relief for us. Although, the doc says that we are really never in the clear and anything can happen. Yes, thank you doctor for pointing that out. You didn't burst our bubble at all. Thank you.

I'm feeling and looking pregnant. Well, probably not "looking" pregnant yet, to the everyday observer... but definitely to BTK and I.
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Speaking of BTK, he is in Illinois visiting his Dad's family, namely his grandfather. Grandpa Don is struggling and so some of the family has gathered to spend some time with him. I would be there too, except he has a highly infectious disease that I can't be around because of the new growth in my belly. But I am with him in spirit and am praying for his Grandpa and the family. And I'm asking for your prayers too. We all know what it feels like to deal with a loved one who is not doing well. It doesn't feel good. It's difficult. It hurts. We have all felt it. Help me send prayers to them so that maybe there is a place for that hurt to go.
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On a brighter note, we were in Livonia for the weekend spending some time with my family. We celebrated my Mom's birthday by going through boxes of old photos and organizing them into designated years. It was fun to see how Asian my youngest sister looked when she was a baby, and to tease that perhaps she was, afterall, adopted :) The other thing that kept coming up were pictures of me, when I was little, with my shirt off. What? Yeah. Me with my shirt off. When I was little. We had a great time! I'm excited to see what my Mom does with the mess we made of the Ping-Pong table. There are hundreds of pictures in piles that she has to do something with. Good luck Mom!

My siblings and I were supposed to exchange Christmas gifts, but I forgot to bring ours. Seriously. Could I maybe have forgotten deodorant instead? Or my toothbrush? Come on! We will all be together again in a few weeks, so no biggie. But seriously. I'm ridiculous.

First and Foremost...

2008-04-21T07:49:00.003-04:00

It's my Momma's birthday, all day long, TODAY!

I won't see her today, but I'll be thinking about her. And I'll call her and tell her I love her. And I'll say a special birthday prayer for her, but only because she deserves it. You see, my mother is an incredible, fabulous woman. She is witty and daring, lovely and caring. She gives and gives, and asks and dotes. When she hugs me, it feels like she's trying to press all of her love into me. She wants for laughter and fun, but would also carry all of your bad feelings for you, if she could. She's creative, influential, and POWERFUL. She doesn't know her strength in these areas, but exudes them just the same. She has a place on this planet that no one else could fill, and I wouldn't have her any other way.

Happy Birthday Mom!

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On a different note, it is also the day that BTK and I will visit the doctor... FINALLY!!
We are ready and looking forward to it and will update!

2008-04-10T19:34:00.003-04:00

I have classes next week and then finals the week after, which means in approximately two weeks... I might actually be able to breathe!! And I'm lookin' damned forward to it!

Oooh, and in less than two weeks, on my mothers birthday, I'll finally be visiting the doctor! And I can ask him if it is alright to be exposed to microorganisms that cause infectious diseases, during my pregnancy. This is because I'll be enrolling in a class this fall that will expose me to such things as: pathogenic bacteria, causing diseases such as plague, tuberculosis and anthrax; protozoa, causing diseases such as malaria, sleeping sickness and toxoplasmosis; and also fungi causing diseases such as ringworm, candidiasis or histoplasmosis. I'd hate to catch something in lab and get all sickly when I'm supposed to be staying healthy for the lil' babe.

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In other news, BTK has finally rid himself of the possibility of ever having to drive the gem that was my very first car. I drove it for almost 11 years!! I named it PUBA way back in the day, during a time when hip-hop music flooded my ears along with influences of my young, smart-ass friends. That car and I have been through so much! It took me to concerts, colleges, weekends away and road trips. Not to mention the car accidents, the get-aways, and the cops. I have all kinds of memories with that car. Unfortunately for BTK, it's been on its' "last leg" the past couple of years and he's been the one to drive it. I never understood why he didn't love the loud drive, the blown speakers, the leaks when it rained, the smell from the mold... I found these things endearing, but I know he's been counting the days till he wouldn't have to fold his 6'2" self into that junky, teal Escort anymore. And the day came. A friend of ours decided to sell her Jeep, and BTK decided it would be his. The Escort has been sitting in the driveway since, and our neighbor visited us and asked if we'd be selling it. We were actually planning on donating it, since the condition of the car was so poor, but this neighbor explained his situation and in the end, BTK and I decided to just give him the car. We rounded up the paperwork and BTK drove it across the street to this guy and I stayed home to prepare dinner. When BTK returned, I was at the sink with my back to him and he said, "He wouldn't let me leave without giving me something". And I heard him set something down on the counter. I turned around to see a Nas.car.crock.pot. along with a handy carrying case and this smile on BTK's face that said, "oh, you are gonna love this!". And by love, I mean "make my skin crawl".

I couldn't believe it! So many memories, and what came of it??? A Nascar crockpot!

We traded my love of 11 years... straight-up... for a Nascar crockpot.

BTK says he can't wait to make chili in it. Seriously.

So now my very first car, in all its' glory, sits across the street with new Nascar window decals and I have a new Crockpot, featuring the King :)

Yackity-Yak

2008-04-08T19:23:00.003-04:00

Last year, pregnancy for me was like sitting upright in an uncomfortable wooden chair. No matter how many times I tried to readjust, I just couldn't settle in for a nice long "sit". I was completely uncomfortable in it and couldn't figure out how to share its' space.

This pregnancy is more like a bean bag, where I feel like I fit more snugly in it but there is still no place to rest my head.

For all you women out there who've gone through it, perhaps you'll agree that pregnancy is bittersweet. I've figured this out in only a matter of weeks! On one hand, it's this awesome wonder to have another life inhabit your own physical space... to have the responsibility to care for it and nurture it and make it grow because God gave you this gift to aide Him in the miracle of life. Every once in a while I try to wrap my brain around that fact, and I can't. I am in complete awe and cannot comprehend why He's given this to me. It's something that I'm not sure I could sort out even if I gave myself a week of silence to ponder. It truly is sweet. On the other hand, it is wearing me down physically and then mentally, everyday, in that order. I am physically uncomfortable with what my body is already doing and with what I know it will do. It is going to change in ways that might make me curse and will probably make me cry. My appetite has been thrown to the dogs. I can't trust it anymore, for it leads me to foods that make me feel sick. I feel like this pregnancy is running ahead and leaving me behind with heartburn, nausea, fatigue, sore breasts, sleepless nights, and an overzealous appetite for Wendy's and pizza. It just doesn't seem fair!

I realize that I am complaining and that at the same time there are women out there who live to conceive and cannot, for whatever reason, and are devastated about it.

I realize that we've been blessed and I'm only embracing bits and pieces at this point.

I also realize that I am, in fact, embracing bits and pieces.

I adore BTK and his utter admiration for what my body is going through for us. I truly am in awe of this miracle and where it will take us in life, especially the joy it will bring. I believe we will have more smiles because of it :)

I love the fact that we just let it happen and here we are now in limbo awaiting someone that will change our lives forever.

Believe me, I want to embrace every aspect and be filled with excitement and happiness everyday because I am pregnant. I just don't think I fit the bill. It is in my character to avoid change, to not allow excitement to overflow, to make room for the what-ifs and the gremlins in life.

At least I am embracing some parts of it now... like the part where I feel like I will probably actually have this baby :) My side effects are so much more pronounced this time 'round and it just makes me feel like "it's for real" this time.

Plus, I'm only human. And a woman. And I really try to put myself out there, even if other people like to pretend they don't ever feel the way that I do. I'm pretty sure we all have gremlins at some point.

I know this pregnancy is going to challenge me in ways nothing else could. I know it's going to make me stronger. I know it's going to give me heartburn. I know that I don't like having heartburn. But I'm sure I'll be shown that, in the end, it's a small price to pay for what will come of it.

Another Chapter

2008-03-30T07:42:00.002-04:00

Side effects may include: fatigue, interrupted sleep, constipation, sore breasts, lowered exercise tolerance, nausea, crying, weight gain, more trips to the bathroom, a baby in nine months, and increased affection from husband.

We are gonna try this again. I'm probably only four or five weeks along. We celebrated by going out to our new fave breakfast place. We sat down next to each other and just stared ahead, silently pondering the page that turned just that morning. Then we agreed that we would approach the pregnancy differently than the last one. We would take it one day at a time instead of thinking ahead to the next 18 years. We really freaked ourselves out with the last one.

BTK is carrying the torch of elation, readiness, joy, and confidence for both of us. I know he has some thoughts of worry and what-if's, but for the most part, he is just "so ready for this". The man has been through hell and high water and I praise God for the place he has finally found himself in. It's a really pleasant place and I am blessed to be so near him each day.

I am more of a melting pot of emotions, which shouldn't surprise anyone. I have a hard time believing in the reality that this one doesn't have to end like the last one. It's all I know at this point. I keep going back to this one thought, this one idea, that saves me and gets me all happy and gives me something to look forward to. It's simply a vision, a snapshot, of the three of us walking downtown... BTK and I on either side, holding a little mini hand and lifting and swinging this little being that is ours to mold and influence. I have two pieces of gold at this point: one is that fleeting, saving thought and the other is BTK and his affection. Otherwise, it is difficult so early on not to have anxiety about another miscarriage. I've been praying to God that I can handle this pregnancy if He just gives me the chance. I swear I can do it. The other thing that is difficult right now are the "Congratulations", because I know they are met with an unemotional face. I face that might give the wrong impression. By the way some people react, you'd think they are the ones with the growing embryo.

BTK and I have talked at length about this and the answer is to take it one day at a time. To try not to look ahead yet, and to try not to look behind, but to just live in each day with the realization that we've been given the chance, once again, to aide God in the little miracle of life. To embrace it and each other and to hold on tight to God's outstretched hand, cause sometimes that is really all you have.

My doc's appt isn't until later in April, for those of you wanting more of a clinial update... so hang on tight and I'll be sure to bring more details then.

1234

2008-03-10T08:07:00.002-04:00

One more video for your enjoyment.

Next post, I will write. I promise.

Business Time...

2008-03-05T08:58:00.000-05:00

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of hearing this yet.

Enjoy!

Spring Break 2008!!!!

2008-03-03T07:01:00.002-05:00

I am officially on Spring Break! I considered going down to Mexico for some fun in the sun with some of my fellow classmates, but I wasn't invited. So I'll stay here instead and fill my time with activities such as dog walking, laundry, floor scrubbing, fridge cleaning, movies, blogging, writing, homework, reading, cooking, pilates, and convincing my husband that I need a backrub.

Today I will begin with cleaning the fridge (a shout out to Mom C. for the inspiration!). This will entail not only checking expiration dates and scraping the top layer of mold off food, but also taking out the shelving and washing it till it sparkles! It's gonna be great! I wonder how long it will take me... I think I'll time myself for fun:) I SO know how to have a good time!

This afternoon I'm heading out to Erins to watch the movie Rent. It came up in conversation recently and we found it funny that I've seen it performed, but remember none of it and she knows all the words to the songs, but has never seen it performed. So we decided to watch it and today is perfect because it will be raining all day, which calls for such things as movies and wine and a glowing fireplace. I'm looking forward to it.

I've no other obligations or plans past what I've written here.

I'm still deciding on whether or not to take the dogs out on a walk. It was pouring rain when I woke up and now it seems it has stopped... but I don't want to get caught in the rain miles from home if it decides to start up again.

Happy Monday everyone!

Rec Run

2008-02-28T15:06:00.003-05:00

I went running today around the track at the Rec Center. The track is rather small. Nine laps equals a mile. I made my way onto the inside track and began a fast-paced walk. I like to start this way in order to ~~scope out the competition~~ warm up properly. After ~~deciding who I'll be faster than~~ starting my "run" playlist on my trusty ipod, I was off...

I like to run just faster than the fastest person on the track. So far, I have been able to do this everytime. Today, I set out at a good pace and felt good as I passed the others jogging on the track. I noticed a girl running up ahead and I also noticed that I was not approaching her very quickly. Her pace was steady and her blonde pony was pulled tight, most likely for better speed. I quickened my pace to catch up, thinking I could pull ahead, but she really was going fast... I decided that I'd just fall in behind her, and ride her wake. She was small, blonde, with running legs that would look great on the beach. If I followed her closely, and ran like she ran, maybe I could get those great legs. So I followed. She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, which gave her an advantage over me in my long Nike pants, long sleeved cotton shirt with a t-shirt over it. I imagined myself in her attire, allowing myself to feel the air on my legs and arms. I could go further if I was wearing what she wore. And I'd be happier in her green, rather than my grey and black. The only thing that kept me at a constant ten feet behind her was my height. From what I could tell, I had at least six inches on her, which means she had to take more steps!

As we ran, we were the fastest on the track. I wondered if the walkers that we passed realized that I was intentionally following her. I had to at least keep up, or she would eventually lap me. So, I kept up. Ten feet kept my burning lungs and hot breath, from reaching her easy stride. Ten feet separated a young, carefree student from her follower- a heavy footed woman, breathing hard and burning to succeed. I imagined her fit muscles and joints, absorbing each step with ease and I tried to feel it in my own body. This helped me stay with her. I watched with each stride, as the bottoms of her shoes waved to me, as if to say, "Come on Rene'! Follow close! We don't wanna lose you, girl!". I kept up her pace longer than I could've done it on my own. I wanted to call up to her and ask, "How long are we doing this for?". But even if I had, she wouldn't have known I was speaking to her, for she was unaware that we were even running together. She didn't know that she was my trainer, just for the day. She didn't know that she was taking me two miles around that track.

But even as we ran, the two miles seemed to get further and further from my reach. I was very uncomfortable and barely hanging on. I finally had to give up. My chest was growing tighter with each turn of the track and my legs were feeling lead heavy. I had to let her go. I slowed down to a brisk walk and watched as she lengthened the distance between us. She kept that same steady pace, even though her travelling companion had dropped off. My head surged and I finally felt the sweat hot on my skin. I also felt the defeat. I didn't make it the two miles at the blonde's pace.

I considered for a moment that I was finished, because I couldn't keep up. But then I considered the fact that she hadn't lapped me yet. So I started running again. We weren't that different, her and I. We were both there to travel great distances. And although I couldn't travel as fast, or as far, and I was sure that she had way finer legs, I decided I didn't need to step off the track just yet. I could find my own way.

And so I continued at my own pace and I finished my two miles... and because I was doing it my way, it felt better and I actually enjoyed it.

Makes Me Laugh Everytime!

2008-02-25T22:17:00.003-05:00

You know what's kinda funny in the restaurant biz??? When you refill a patrons beverage for like the eighteenth time and they say, "Well, I'm just gonna float outta here!". I always want to reply with, "Like, you mean on your own urine?"

Cause what else can it mean?!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow, and it just so happens that we are supposed to get pounded a bit more with snow tonight. I've missed almost one day a week thus far in the semester, and my class only meets twice a week! I find that I am actually scared to drive in this weather these days. Could have something to do with my narrow escape from a really bad collision a couple of weeks ago.

I was driving north on the expressway when a southbound car caught my eye. It had lost control and was careening through the median. I was quick to realize by the way it was plowing through the snow that it wasn't going to stop and it'd be coming into the northbound lanes in a matter of seconds. So I stepped on it! For some reason, instead of hitting my breaks, I put the pedal to the metal and went as fast as I could to avoid our collision... and I barely made it... but God must've been with me that day, for I went fast enough to escape, and watched in my rearview as the car slid backwards into northbound traffic and missed me by about 15 feet but then was creamed by the semi behind me. It was awful, and I was saying, with my hand over my mouth, "Oh no! Oh God no! Oh no! No! No!", while I watched the mess of metal fly everywhere behind me. The semi ended up across both lanes of traffic and I was literally the last car to escape, for as I drove away, there was no one behind me. And yes, I drove away. I know, I know, I should've stopped... but by the time it had all happened, I was probably a mile away... and there was everyone else there who had to stop cause they couldn't get through. But I know, I should've stopped and if I could do it over again, I would have stopped and drove back and tried to help.

Either way, ever since then, I've been afraid to drive in the icy weather.

2008-02-25T08:39:00.002-05:00

It is a new week and I feel so trapped. Do you ever get that feeling that you just want to get up and out and away? That you are so wrapped up in everything around you, that you can't find yourself anymore? I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge pile of responsibilities... my dogs, my schoolwork, my job, my husband, my home, my friends, my family... and only if I can break through that huge heap on top of me will I be able to see my wants and desires and cater to them and nurture them and feed them. That is what I want. I want to feed and nurture my needs. I don't pay enough attention to them. They are on the back burner and I just can't cook off enough of everything else to get to them.

I'm lost in the shuffle. I can't find me. I'm here and I'm performing, and no one seems to be complaining, except me.

I'm not mad or upset or feeling down because of this. It's just frustrating from time to time when I realize all of this, again. It is something that keeps coming up for me. I imagine that one day I'll be the type of person who radiates positive energy. That one day, when I've broken through society's mold, I'll actually love each new day because I trust myself enough to walk through it with me in mind.

Don't get me wrong, I have really great days and some not so great days... but that just isn't good enough anymore. I want really great days most of the time... and it just isn't that way right now. BTK would be the first to tell you that I carry tense stress with me all day, most days.

I could go on and on and on, but I won't. There are millions of ways to say that I don't take good enough care of everything that is me.

You get the idea.... and I'm workin' on it.

And God?? If you can hear me.... It would help if you could get the sun to freakin' shine!

I'm off to carry on with my Monday. It's gonna be easy. I'm gonna spend it in one of my fave places... LemonJellos.

a rope... a branch... anything????

2008-02-13T17:40:00.003-05:00

I just want to write. I just want to throw my thoughts up on my screen and then decide if they are pretty or if they need to be stored away in a box in the attic. What does that mean, you ask? I don't know, it's just what popped in my head.

I am drowning in a ginormous pool of February. It is filling up with days of the week and I'm barely staying afloat after the addition of Wednesday. If I don't make it out before it starts filling with Thursday, you might lose me. It won't be pretty, either. I'm already flailing my arms and reaching for anything that might give me a leg up... SOMEONE THROW ME A ROPE!!!!!!

Seriously though. How do I slow down? I'd give you a list of everything I need to do before ~~I die~~ Tuesday, but you don't care because you have your own list of ~~everything under the sun~~ things to do.

I just need some breathing room, people.

You know what I need? I need a drink. But not just a drink. I need a drink coupled with random conversation in a dimly lit bar as I sit back and barely listen to the conversation at hand. But then the conversation needs to get interesting and DEEP in order to keep my mind from trailing off into the dark hole that holds the pieces of my responsible adult life. And just in case I do accidently get pulled into that dark hole, the conversation also needs to be FUN and it needs to pull LAUGHTER from my voicebox. In a dim bar, with a drink.

You know what else I need? THE FREAKIN' SUN TO SHINE!!!!!! I wonder if THAT has anything to do with how I'm feeling.

I am ready, SO READY, for stifling hot, suffocating HEAT... the kind of heat that everyone complains about after they've complained about winter for NINE MONTHS straight.

I digress.

BTK and I will be leaving in a few SHORT minutes to have dinner with a couple from Bulgaria.

The Snow

2008-01-26T13:20:00.000-05:00

This is how deep our snow is!!!!!

Chuck loves to lay in it!

This is the window I look out of when I study :)

mini vaca

2008-01-24T12:05:00.000-05:00

I've skipped school all week. It's like I'm on vacation. I've been spending my time in the library at Hope College and am there (here) right at this moment.

The reason I decided to post is that the guy on the computer next to me walked away from the desk for a brief moment and left a big ol' pile of GUMMY BEARS just sitting there. One of the bears just sat up and looked over at me and smiled. I don't know what that means, but I'm assuming that it means I should casually reach over and snag one for my own delicious enjoyment.

Oh wait, he just came back. My window of opportunity has just closed.

I must explain why I've skipped school all week. It has been snowing and snowing and snowing and more snow has still fallen... and it is cold, cold, cold!!! So the roads have been crap to drive on and my commute turned into a death trap, so I've stayed back. I like it better this way. I've sent my assignments in electronically and haven't wasted five and a half hours of time in the car.

I'd better get back to my big stack of flashcards! btw, I heart gummy bears!

To Forge Ahead Is To... forge ahead.

2008-01-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

it is snowing. but despite the cold white weather, i am in a positive, motivated, don't ph*ck with me kind of mood. i feel powerful and steadfast. i finished my assignments late and am a titch behind, but i have much on my list of "gonna get done" and am bound and determined to just work all day. i'm ~~burning~~ closing the biochem book for now and turning to more interesting matters of a 30 y.o. female with chronic pancreatitis secondary to chronic alchoholism. armed with my MNT text and the www, i should be able to make some progress and outline questions for tomorrow if i get stumped.

it is amazing how a night of almost uninterrupted sleep can put you back on the "forging ahead" train!

last night i was full of bad words and curses toward my never present, biochem prof.

today, the sun came up (i know this because we aren't all dead) and i am feeling a bit of hope... a small light at the end of the tunnel that beckons me to move past my troubled mind and forward toward my dreams.

the computer/twin bed room where i sit is surprisingly warm despite the mounds of snow sitting on the rooftop two feet away, just on the other side of the window. the dogs are quiet and calm, only because they can feel the calm-assertive energy of their packleader as she pecks away and flips pages, as if she knows exactly what it is she is doing.

last night i was troubled and tense, ready to give it all up for ~~a life on the streets~~ a career as a server.

today i am relaxed and determined, ready to tackle tasks that will get me closer to my fancied career as an R.D.

i will use caffeine to guide me, and to create synapses between my neurons that wouldn't otherwise fire.

i will accomplish today.

Hump Day

2008-01-16T14:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump day everyone!

Question: Are you supposed to be able to tell if yogurt has gone bad by the taste of it?

I just ate some yogurt and after eating ALL OF IT, I noticed on the foil lid that there is some possible mold. But the yogurt tasted fine... not good, just fine. You see, I'm not a big fan of yogurt and I only eat it for the health of it, but its' sour taste didn't seem any different today than it has in the past. So, I'm just wondering if I ate bad yogurt.

So, this past Saturday was a BAD day. I think it came straight outta hell and crept into my life and sat down to watch the show, starring me. It all started when I broke open the Biochem book and started reading Chapter 2. It is an online class and so I am left to teach myself the material... bad idea. Why, oh why, when I've struggled so much in the past with chemistry did I take such a difficult class online?! There is talk of a study group forming, so I guess there is hope yet. But this past Saturday was awful! I couldn't figure out how to do logarithms on my $12 calculator, the book did a poor job explaining H+ concentrations, and since it is a higher level class, the text assumes that you know certain things and so doesn't lend itself to being a reference book to look up basic concepts. Ugh. Four hours into it I wanted to take my mug of coffee and throw it through the window. I finally decided to go home and breathe a little before getting back into it again. But even after diving back in, I still got more and more frustrated and started thinking things like, "maybe school isn't for you, Rene'", and "perhaps your brain isn't equiped for this science stuff", and "you'll feel much better if you eat some gummy candy". YOU try studying over those voices in your head! It isn't easy.
BTK recognized my frustrations and said what he could to encourage me and calm me down and even asked if he could help me with anything (he's spent many hours with me in the past with dreaded chem), but in the end I just decided I'd better close up shop for the night and join him over at our friends place for dinner. But only after he brought me these loverly flowers :)

My dear sweet groom knows what I love. But I was still pissed off the rest of the night.

On Monday, I ran into my dear friend Abbey who brought me these, straight from Ireland:

They are so deliciously different than any other gummy candy! And, upon her rec, I put them in the freezer and they are most wonderful that way! We've only been getting to know each other a short time, but the girl already knows the way into my heart :) I'm a sucker for candy!

BTK is under the weather with a sore throat and congestion the past couple of days. Is it inevitable that I will catch it? I've been trying to avoid it as much as possible (separate towels, no kisses, keeping my distance), but it's kinda difficult when he's sneezing and coughing everywhere... it's just impossible to keep germs from floating in the air, you know?

I heard from my favorite cousin Cristina that my Unc has gifted me a large desk calendar and I must say that I am THRILLED and just can't wait to get my hands on it!!! Sounds crazy, I know, but I've always dreamed of having one of those to write all of my happenings, assignments, dates, etc on and I just think that it will do WONDERS for my organization and planning. Thank YOU, genrous joe!!

My mom is having a girls night party this weekend... I'll be sure to post pictures and such of the night soon after :)

Happy Hump Day!

They Just Keep Coming

2008-01-11T09:36:00.001-05:00

Ever feel like the days just keep coming and you are here and you really don't know why and is it really worth it anyways cause you are getting nowhere and you have this overwhelming feeling of "I WANT OUT!" and you aren't sure if it is cause you've been alone too long or if it's the emotional drone of Coldplay you are listening to or the fact that your work uniform requires you to sport a purple tshirt, or maybe, just maybe, by some miracle, it is "that time of the month"?

Yeah, I don't have those days either.

I wouldn't want to cause it sounds awful.

This is the type of material that BTK says to be careful about posting. Says people will worry or think that something is wrong.

Nothing is wrong. I'm just normal.

But it's just one of those days.

I have a nickname at work. They call me "panicky rene". It's funny cause it's true. You should see me some nights, running between my guests and the kitchen, flailing my hands in the air when other servers ask if I need help. It's quite a scene. And to think, they actually let me manage that place at one time. The restaurant business is not for me. But I do it cause it's fun. Even when the stress during the dinner rush takes hours off my life, it is fun.

So why, oh why, when I get that same panicky feeling at home, is it not fun? Or is it? I can't decide. I am leaving shortly for work, so perhaps I have conditioned myself to feel this way on days that I work. Maybe I'm just anticipating it happening, that feeling of "I'm so in the weeds, I might as well just stop and let it all run me over and put me out of my misery!"... even though when it's over we can laugh at how hard we were all spanked that night... or laugh at the fact that I was the only one with the deer in the headlights look, even though we weren't that busy (cause that is usually funny to the other servers).

I'm good at waiting tables, don't get me wrong. I just don't handle the stress as well as some.

I actually feel better just having posted this mess of thoughts. Thanks!

I think I'll head into work now :)

My Resolutions

2008-01-10T22:58:00.000-05:00

okay people... here they are... almost all of them... in no particular order.

take better care of BTK (always room for improvement, right?)
be a better listener (i.e. actually remember important aspects of conversations)
make lists (i tend to forget my thoughts)
focus (work while at work, study when i'm supposed to be studying, etc.)
exercise discipline with dogs (i am determined to lead our pack!)
half carbs whole grains
practice forgiveness
think positive thoughts
floss nightly
stretch daily
study in the wee hours of the morning
write grandma letters
rec'd intake of water
productive thinking
practice yoga
keep up with emails
date night once every two weeks
meal planning
keep cars clean
take care of cuticles (stop biting!)
make it to church once in a while
be more financially responsible
volunteer with dietitian
help donka with garden
plant flowers in front of fence
water front lawn
keep a more organized home
drink more wine
get daily fruits/vegs
follow through
complement others more
cultivate contentment
keep sinks shiny ( i love shiny sinks!)
run!
productive car rides (five hours a week in the car... valuable time)
be on time
cook
be more considerate
feed my soul
procrastinate less

These are just a few of what i'll be striving for this new year. And yes, i know it's already January tenth. No, I don't believe it is too late to begin.

Love you too!

Wish me luck!

Resolutions, indeed.

2008-01-09T13:43:00.000-05:00

So many ideas, so little time...

I bet there is no one out there who is still creating their "resolutions" lists...

I realized today that the list creating should be done and I should've already put my New Year's "Considerations" into play. Instead, I still have all these ideas galavanting around in my head thinking they have already reached their cozy destination in my gray matter. To this I say, "Listen up all you pretty ideas! It's time to put on your Sunday best and head out into the world to make something of yourselves!" And after saying this, I can picture all those pretty ideas looking startled and saying, "moi?, you want me to go out there, in that crazy world and actually do what I was thought up to do?" And I would reply with, "YES... gone are the days where i would only toy with great ideas... today is the day i will line you all up and give you a number, possibly ranking you in order of importance, and i will require that you begin!" (starting tomorrow)

I am such a procrastinator.

"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Delivery

2008-01-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

I snowblowed Donka's (super generous neighbor friend from Croatia) driveway yesterday morning.

The doorbell rang around 3pm.

It was Donka.

She brought me these.

She made them all by hand.

They are yummy :)

I took a self portrait this morning.

In a dirty mirror that is on the floor in a bedroom, perched against the wall, waiting to get hung.

I look my best at 7am.

A Number of Thoughts

2007-12-31T13:55:00.000-05:00

It has been too long, and now I have quite a list of ideas in my head to post on my blog. I figure I can give shortened versions of them all right here, right now, in order to catch you up on the latest.

I had a blogger friend come and visit me the week before last. We met back in college and have been dear friends since. We did what we do best while she was here including but not limited to having coffee, window shopping downtown, drinks, and most importantly, conversation about life's biggest questions. She stayed over that Thursday night and then left after an early breakfast the next day. I, of course, miss her now that she has gone and am looking forward to the next time our paths can cross again. Here we are enjoying cocktails with two of my local friends:

BTK and I spent a week in Ohio to spend Christmas with his family this year. Our favorite part of the trip was seeing our one and only nephew, Owen. He is such a beautiful, happy little boy and we love seeing him. He opened two gifts from us for Christmas and I'm sure they were his favorite gifts of all! Here is his reaction upon opening and experiencing them both:

A Radio Flyer wagon and a Ball. I can't think of better gifts for a little boy named Owen. And as you can see, he was thrilled!

While we were in Ohio, we checked Indy into the vet for a second TPLO surgery on his other knee. Poor little guy has gone through so much this last year, but this will hopefully be the last major surgery he has to experience and will put him on a path to being able to run again this summer...

They stuck a morphine patch on his side for pain that he managed to chew/eat off today while I was gone. I kind of freaked out when I came home and found it gone, not to mention he was visibly shaking and threw up shortly after, so I took him into the vet and everything is fine now. I had Doc check the fluid that has accumulated around his ankle as well as the random scabby spots/bites around his ear and neck and shaved back. I was assured those issues are all completely normal. What's funny is that I had to call around to find a vet that was open, and this one I found had technically just closed, but she said the doctor would wait if I could get there soon. I said I'd leave right away and she told me the only catch is that I would get charged an emergency fee. I said, "okay, how much is the emergency fee?" and she replied with, "between $35 and $65". And I'm thinking, okay, I'm sure there is a rationale as to the range in cost, so I asked, "what determines how much I get charged?" and she replied with, "Um... I really don't know." Well, I was taking him in no matter what, and at least I knew it wouldn't be more than $65. And they were doing me a favor anyway, so off we went for our emergency visit. And in the end, they only charged me $28 for the emergency part of it, which confuses me more since it doesn't fall between the $35 and $65 they originally told me it would be. It all came to $100.07 for the peace of mind I left there with. Now I'll be able to enjoy my night with my husband without the constant worry if Indy is going to make to tomorrow.

Today is the eve of another year. How do I feel about it? Well, I'd love to embrace 2008 with open arms, but I'm sad to let 2007 go. As the years pass, I want each one to be better than the last. And as I get older, I want more and more to have perfection in my life. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Probably. I guess it all depends on what "perfect" means to me. I feel like I'm running out of time to make my life what I want it to be. I feel like I didn't get a fair chance at making something of 2007. I was preoccupied with school and work and didn't allow myself to enjoy my "free time". It's a crying shame, it is. BUT, with the coming of 2008, i'm determined to enjoy it and make something of it... whatever that means. What do I want to make of it?? Well, I want to watch more sunsets at Lake Michigan. Watching the sun set is on my list of favorites, and I hardly make time to do it. My dear sweet groom and I just recently bought a scooter and that should give him incentive to come with to watch the sun go down. I'd also like to put more time into our woofies (dogs). They have such potential to be extrordinary creatures, but they need us to guide them. I want to give them that gift of greater guidance in 2008. I'd also love to give our home some order on the inside. BTK and I like to consider ourselves minimalists, meaning we don't like to accumulate "stuff". And although we don't have a lot of "stuff", the stuff we do have could be more organized. Everything should have a place, you know? Together, we can give everything a place in 2008. BTK doesn't know this yet, but we are going to pledge (with our secret handshake) to do those things that we always say we'll do and don't.... such as: going camping, going hiking with the woofies, going to local festivals, etc. And last but first on my list for improvements in 2008 is spending more time interacting with my dear sweet groom. I've cut back my work hours in order to make this happen. Though we'll miss the $$, we've decided our marriage is much more important and we miss each other dearly. It's not that we can't handle opposite schedules, it's that we don't want to do it anymore. I'm looking forward to making dinner for us and cleaning up together. As my parents have said, "some of our best conversations took place while cleaning up".

I could go on and on about what I want my 2008 to be. I'll save it for another post, because at this point it is all a mess of thoughts.

Tonight, BTK and I are staying in. We will order pizza and wings from a local joint and another couple may join us later in the night to ring in the new year. But if we find ourselves alone, with each other, that will suit us just fine, for that is what the next year is all about... us.

Holland Happenings

2007-12-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

My mom and sisters are coming today for a visit!! Mom and Megs are coming from across the state, Amy is coming from the GR area, and my baby sister Cols is coming from Chicago, via train... and I get to stay put, right where I am, and wait.

I'm less waiting and more cleaning. Scrubbed the bathroom, kitchen floor, and entry way tiles. Listening to some really great music including, but not limited to, new Rob Thomas, Regina Spektor, Madonna, Green Day, Ice Cube, and Alicia Keys. Wiping dog-nose prints from glass, wherever found... like everywhere! I may even run a dustcloth over some tabletops and wine bottles in the livingroom :)

My very favorite thing about cleaning is the polished chrome, streak free windows and mirrors, and floors without dog hair (lasts only seconds!). Nothing quite like a shiny kitchen sink. I like knowing that if all else fails, and all my dishes break, and I really needed to, I could eat off the bathtub surface. I enjoy cleaning. I find it very rewarding and a nice, slow release of energy.

Once momma hen arrives with the chicks, we'll all head downtown for the day, grab a bite and shop. I look so forward to their visits! We all get along so well, and we laugh! I love to laugh and my mom and sisters will probably have me in tears by the end of the day :)

Best get back to the cleaning!

Oh, this is us at Christmas time... don't we look like fun??!!

A Story of Christmas Giving

2007-12-13T07:46:00.000-05:00

BTK and I have been very lazy in the past years and have never put the effort into getting a Christmas tree. So sad, so lazy, I know. We've leaned on such excuses in the past as, "we will be out of town for the week of..." and, "we don't have any kids..." and, "it costs a lot of money" and, "the dog will pee on it". Actually, I made up that last one about the dog. We never used that excuse.

This year we had every intention of getting a tree. I had scoped out a place to go and cut one down, and we were both looking forward to cutting down a real live Christmas tree and both looking forward to having a beautiful Christmas tree in our living room.

And then BTK fell ill.

And he has been house-bound since ('cept for work this week).

And though it was never actually spoken aloud, we both knew that we wouldn't be able to get out to get that tree.

It disappointed me cause this was the year we were gonna DO IT... and now we couldn't!

UNTIL....

Last Saturday Erin called me and said, "Are you at home?"

Me: "Yeah"

Erin: "Where are your cars?"

Me: "One is in the garage and one is still at BTK's work from when he went into the ER."

Erin: "Well, come get the door cause we are in your driveway!"

Me: "What?" (confused)

Erin: "We are in your driveway... come get the door!"

So I did. And there they stood at the back of their SUV unloading a real live Christmas tree!!!! And she had a tree stand and a tree skirt and lights and everything!!!

Now, this was an occasion to open BOTH front doors cause the tree is THAT big! M hauled the thing in with Erin in tow carrying all the goodies for this special tree that is to be up in our livingroom.

In the meantime... I quietly went down to where BTK lay in front of the 42" flat screen panel and calmly told him what shenanigans the "Smiths" pulled this time... and so he came up to watch the charade of trying to get the tree up and on the stand. There was snow and ice jammed up in the hole, so it took some extra love to get it standing upright.

And we hugged and I said "thank you" and didn't know what else to say...

Then they were gone.

It is a beautiful tree with very soft, short needles that seem to be staying put right where they belong, and not on the floor. It is lovely, really.

But what I'd like to say here is that our friends spilled thier kindness and generosity right into our livingroom in the form of Christmas blessings. I can't say that BTK and I have ever pooled our hearts and physical energy together like that for anyone. We hardly do it for ourselves. I still don't know how to thank Erin and M for what they did for us. They created an opportunity for BTK and I to pull out all the ornaments we've been getting as gifts every year since we've been married, to put on Christmas music, and enjoy decorating our very first Christmas tree.

Erin and M... thank you for that. Love you!

SANTA??? Can you hear me.... ?????

2007-12-12T21:30:00.001-05:00

Do you make these in your little workshop???

It's the Professional "S" series... by J.A. Henckels....

I've been good ALL YEAR!!!!

And, I didn't mean to imply that your workshop is "little"... I mean, I'm sure it is HUGE...

I'm sure.

Fire In The Disco!!

2007-12-10T15:03:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by my 'bama bff, Jamie, with a "why I'm weird" meme.

And since it is 3pm on Monday, and I just arrived home from taking my MNT final exam, and my sweet husband is at work, I think I'll sit in front of the computer with a cocktail within reach and type my "why i'm weird" meme.

Just as Jamie did, I looked to my husband for reasons... for he is continuously saying, "you're weird" whenever I do anything even the slightest bit out of the ordinary. And just like Jamie's husband, mine couldn't think of any reasons off the top of his head.

BUT, low and behold, a few days passed and he was able to recognize those reasons as I did them in our day to day "business".

I like to eat Pringles with a little dijon mustard on them.
I like to talk in accents and funny voices whenever I get the chance (hardly ever out in public... mostly only for my sweet husband to hear).
I don't like eating foods that don't require chewing.
When I eat foods that do require chewing, I chew maybe three times and then swallow the foodstuffs almost whole.
I know that "foodstuffs" is actually a word.
I don't like getting my hands wet.
I wear latex gloves when preparing food, any food... and also when cleaning, always.
I don't think that skunk spray smells bad.
I don't like yogurt, oatmeal, or apples but I eat them almost everyday (for the health of it!).
On average, I eat 1.5 tomatoes everyday... cause I love them that much.
It is likely that I will break out in dance at any given moment when music is playing.
I do a mean cheerleader impression... that I learned from my brother (wait... that makes him weird).

And last, but obviously not least, I am a little bit on the weird side cause I love this video... it makes me laugh out loud everytime! I must give credit to momma feral for this one.
disclaimer: video is a little inappropriate and will probably make you dumber

Now, I must say that I don't necessarily think that I am weird because of those things... but some of them (the skunk thing) make me a little different than other people. We all have things that make us unique, special, different and we should embrace those aspects of each other... love each other more for them. So the next time you look at someone and say, "you are sooo weird", remember that they made you smile and shake your head, and just love them more for it.

A bit of music in my head

2007-12-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

I woke up with a thought in my head today... it was as if my eyes opened because my brain wanted to tell me something... and it went exactly like this: "I want to learn to play the piano".

I was surprised at this thought, but also a bit pleased with myself for making such an important decision so quickly that day.

I've always envied those (BTK) who can so gracefully approach an instrument and transform it into beautiful music.

Music has infinitely been a staple in my life. It wraps itself around me and makes me feel warm, makes my thoughts sink deeper into my mind, and makes my heart dance.

True story:
When I was a teenager, I had a portable cd player velcroed next to the drivers seat in my Escort in order to play any one of my 300 cd's that I carried with me in my big black cd book at all times. I brought those cd's with me everwhere I went cause I couldn't part with any of them and really truly believed that I needed that variety, just in case. Well, I was heading out of the house one day with lots of sh*t in my arms and threw the big black cd book on top of the Escort in order to unlock it and throw all the rest of my sh*t into my car.

And there it stayed... on top of my Escort... as I drove away...

And I realized it when I reached my destination and wanted to change the cd.

And I started swearing a lot and crying even more...

I cried for a few days and moped about and was moody towards my parents until my father had had enough of the pouting. He suggested that I do something about it, such as "call around" to see if anyone had found it or place an ad in the paper describing what I lost. I remember telling him what a fool he was, in not so many words, cause "who is going to turn in 300 cd's that they found on the street?" DUH!!!! No one! They'll keep 'em or sell 'em cause obviously they are worth so much!

I remember thinking how much $$ I'd spent on them and how some of them were such cherished possessions. I was pretty sure my life was over.

After my dad walked away, I decided to take his advice and I called the local police station to ask about a "lost and found". It went something like this:

Me: "I'm wondering if anyone has turned in a book of cd's?"

Police person: "Well, what does it look like?"

Me: "It's black and zips shut and holds 300 cd's and it's full"

Police person: "We might have something like that here. Can you tell me about the cd's in it?"

(at this point in the brief conversation, i remember thinking, "don't f*ck with me lady...you either have it or you don't"... i was an emotional teenager, remember?)

Me: "The cd's are in alphabetical order with the initials R.S. on each one and on the last page is my newest purchase, Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds, double disc".

Police person: "Yes, we have your cd's. You can come and pick them up here at the station".

I couldn't even believe it! Who would turn in 300 cd's???? And maybe my dad wasn't a fool after all!!!

I'll never forget that incident.

And now I want to learn to play the piano... at the tender age of 28.

**perhaps I should put that (learn to play the piano) on my Mondo Beyondo list**

Am I too old to learn to play an instrument?? Can I want something like that at this age?? (on a sidenote: Why does everything have to be about age??)

I'll just keep it as a thought and after a while I'll come back to it and give it a hug and see if it still hugs me back.

Quickie

2007-12-01T17:20:00.001-05:00

I will write this post without concern with where it starts or how it will end.

I've been having a difficult time forming thoughts complete enough to post on this blog. This could be due to a number of factors, including it being the end of the semester with only one week left before finals, BTK hasn't been feeling well and I'm trying to take care of him without knowing what I'm up against, and winter has just laid itself upon this town and it always takes a little effort for me to adjust mentally into a new season. :)

With all of this going on, I'm a bit of a mental case and who knows what that would look like in words on a computer screen... So I've kinda kept myself away from blogging.

I posted a week ago about going to my H.S. reunion... and I went. I did have a great time:) I worked the door for about an hour and a half with Lindsay and Nancy as I dumped gin and tonic into my head.

By the time I actually went into the reception area, I was warm and fuzzy with alcohol and had already said hello to everyone cause I checked them in at the door. I continued to drink (too quickly) and mingled with all kinds of people, including the guy who I called by the wrong name (first and last!) when I checked him in. Unfortunately, I spent more time talking with the people that I haven't seen since H.S. than the friends I still stay in touch with... but maybe that is the point of the reunion. I had all that anxiety about seeing people after ten years, and for nothing, for everything went swimmingly once a little alcohol settled into my blood. I enjoyed catching up with all the friendly faces and am very happy that I went.

And apparently they were too :)

Graduation... what???

2007-11-23T12:55:00.000-05:00

A happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful for a family who provides me with unconditional, everlasting love, and laughter to go along with it... as an added bonus :)

BTK was not able to join us for the festivities, and he was missed. I especially missed him cause he is my better half and a day with my family is just not complete without him there. I must confess to all of you, in a very sappy manner, that I love him dearly... and although I know that he gets "a little" overwhelmed in a room full of forty "or so" relatives, I'd still rather have him by my side while surrounded by noisy Italians, endless food, and a gallons of red than not there at all.

I am thankful that I have a husband that supports my decision to spend the holiday with my family even though he hung back to rest. I swear, I'm not a bad person... he really was okay with it.

Now, all of that has passed and we are on to the next issue.

MY TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION...... TONIGHT!!!!

I must put on a happy face and confident, positive demeanor and pretend that I wouldn't rather be anywhere else... for a few hours anyway.

I have mixed feelings about going. I do keep in touch with a handful of friends from high school and I am really looking forward to seeing them. BUT, it just so happens that I have a touch of anxiety about seeing those that have been absent from my life since the day we wore caps and gowns.

What do I say to these people??

And what will they say to me??

I have to work the door, which means that I may have to hand out name tags... maybe... which means that I am under pressure to recognize everyone that comes in! Ugh!

And what do I say to them?!

I get anxiety just running into someone in the grocery store... who I see weekly...
How am I going to "get over myself" enough to formulate intelligent sentences/conversation starters (that don't include "what do you do for a living?") with these people who I haven't seen in ten years?

Any suggestions??

Clean Slate

2007-11-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

Ever want that? A clean slate?

Nothing like starting fresh.

How many times have you crumbled the paper and thrown it into the trash, cause you knew you could grab a crisp, uninked page to start over with?

Or while practicing a presentation, or one act play, or dance routine to the famed song Aquarius in front of your hubby or bff or crowd of stuffed animals... you miss a factoid, or a line, or a step and you say, "wait, wait... let me start over... from the beginning..."

That is what I want... with our home... cause it is an unorganized, chaotic, dog hair littered MESS!!!

I want a big crane-like apparatus to come and lift our home from where it sleeps and I want it taken to a special place where it can be set down and then a giant vacuum will be put through one of the windows and it will suck any debris, grime, dirt, dog hair and filth from every surface and corner. Then, a gentle magic wind will be blown through in order to carefully shift everything back into place. And finally, the Queen of "everything clean" in this world will do a walk through and with her wand (cause she will have a wand) she will tap everything shiny and sparkling clean...
AND THEN... the crane will place our home back where it belongs and it will be just as we started (except way better) and I will promise with all my heart to keep up with the housework and never let it get outta hand again. Ever!

It's so outta hand! Ahhhh!!!

Time is ticking away...

Bowing out of NaBloPoMo... Fo :)

2007-11-19T07:48:00.001-05:00

No, I didn't actually throw up... but I felt like I needed to. I believe that is anxiety telling me she's with me, cause lately that is the feeling I have when I'm anxious. I don't actually carry out the action though because I detest throwing up.

MNT stands for Medical Nutrition Therapy. It is the class that is so detrimental to my success as a dietitian, mainly because it weighs quite heavily on my internship application. The exam I took on Thursday was a doozy. I may or may not keep you posted on how well I did. It all depends on how well I did. :)

I've obviously failed at my attempt to NaBloPoMo, seeing as how I have NOT posted everyday in November. In my defense, I'm nearing the end of a very hectic semester. Hectic not only because of my classes, but also due to my husband being ill, my work schedule, and my dogs still living with us... oh, and the fact that my housekeeper hasn't shown up in over a month! Oh wait... I am the housekeeper.... shit!

I don't even have time to be posting right now!

I have a presentation to give tomorrow on Urea Cycle Disorders in MNT. Have I started it yet? No. Will I start it soon? Yes, as soon as I finish this post.

Have a happy day:)

No Title

2007-11-15T12:16:00.001-05:00

I just took the BIG MNT exam and I feel like throwing up.

That is all I have today.

My Neighbor

2007-11-13T21:22:00.000-05:00

My neighbor is from Croatia and she visited there just recently. Her youngest sister is at her end with cancer and so she went to see her one last time. I saw Donka (that is her name) for the first time since she came back just the other day. She was on her riding lawn mower moving around the yard and she saw me approach and so she stopped and shut off the mower to say hello. We hugged and I asked her how her trip went. That is when she started to cry. She cried really hard and said how sad she is and how hard it is and that she misses her sister and it's just so sad. She just kept crying and so I kept hugging her and telling her how sorry I am for her. And I truly am so sorry that she is so far away from her family and it must be so heart wrenching to know that it may indeed have been the last time she will have seen her sister. So sad.

And when she was done crying, she looked at me and seemed to remember something and told me to wait. She went inside for a couple of minutes and when she returned she had goodies in her hand... for me! She said (in her broken English) that she brought me candy from Croatia, special for me:)

And this is a picture of the candy:)

And it some of the most delicious candy I've ever eaten:)

And I love that it came all the way from her home:)

Donka is a blessing to us. Her generosity is unmatched by anyone I've ever known. She is constantly giving us her homemade pastries, pickled hot peppers, and the best German potato salad I've ever had. We pick from her garden from spring through fall almost everyday. And if she hasn't seen me pick for a couple of days, she leaves a basket of fresh produce on our doorstep just in case.

She is a wonderful, good natured woman and I truly hope that the years to come will bring us closer together:)

If you believe in prayer, and you do indeed pray... keep her in mind. She could use a little extra during this difficult time.

Me and BTK

2007-11-12T13:16:00.001-05:00

Indy snuck a picture of us this morning as we rolled outta bed. Ben loves the morning time. He always keeps a glass of water on the nightstand with a cucumber slice in it for the morning. And I always pin a flower on his tux-resembling pajamas. If we look this good in the morning, imagine how we'd clean up if we went to a wedding:)